I opened this account back up a few weeks ago because I wanted something a little sexy in my life and I was kind of getting tired of my other outlets.
But being back, even briefly, is odd. I have spent some time looking at old sets from back when I joined almost 20 years ago and then looking at some of my old journal posts from back then too.
First, those old sets are still absolutely smoking and they absolutely capture an early 2000s alternative DIY moment that is punk as fuck. I love it. But also recognize that this is in part nostalgia. Gods honest 100% old person shit. Like the way old heads talk about 70s porn or something.
Second, I think about the ME of that time. Old Me made a lot of good choices that has ended Present Me in a really good, happy place. But I also wish Old Me had taken some more risks, lived more, and been in the moment more. Yes yes yes there is time I am not dead of course. But I'm also 45! And married! And a parent! There are, you know, some obstacles to Wild Wednesdays with cuties.
I have grappled a lot with who I am. Like I am bi as fuck, but spent a lot of time HIDING that. That was unfortunate. I can be odd as fuck. And I spend a lot of energy trying to just fit in. But it doesn't make me happy! I need to just not do that.
Third, things change. That's ok! But man, I also miss what this place WAS. Like it was a vibe. I knew lots of people. I was part of conversations. It was community. I think I am lacking that. I have moved around a bit in the last 15 years, there was a pandemic. I need to find some people however you do that as an old fucking man.
This is some morose shit.
