Something about me is pitifully, hopelessly, and irrevokably Romantic.
I used to worry about passing my soul-mate on the street and thinking to myself 'man, I'd really like to bone her, maybe I should go chat her up' and then not making a move.
That isn't what worries me these days.
Since Suicide girls I pretty much have accepted the fact that I won't necessarily find one soul-mate since SO MANY chicks on SG are potentials - in that sphere.
No, what worries me is that once I do find my soul-mate she and I will have a really good time, get hitched, and then grow to hate eachother.
This would be hell it's-self.
So now I enter a whole new world of dilemmas, the cool thing about that breif period in time of my life when I was a loser was that: As a loser I never had to worry about fucking up; I simply lacked options.
As an achiever the options are too many and you spend all your extra time wondering if you've made some horrible mistake.
=============================
You want to know the secret of getting revenge on your parents?
Become exactly who they always wanted you to be, they'll louth you for it to their very core.
It will drive them completely crasy because you will have the life that they have always wanted.
I know this becuase, in a sense and to a degree, I've done this.
My mom has always wanted to live in Israel. My father has always wanted to have a real relationship with a women.
My mom could never do math, my dad sucks at public speaking. I finished Calculus in high school. I was an instant success in debate club in college. (These are just examples off the top of my head.)
My parents hate me.
Not openly, they can't be that honest with themselves, but deep down inside when I speak to them all I see is resentment in their eyes, all I can hear is held-back anger in their voice. Sometimes it's as if I can almost hear their souls screaming out at me: 'I did my best to make you an even more horribly fucked up mess than myself and yet somehow you still ended up okay. I hope you go to hell.' Inevitably, if I speak to either one of them for more than 15 minutes we get into a shouting match. I have so out-done both of them with a vastly more hectic childhood that they feel grossly inadequet when I'm around. Especially because I love to judge them and compare them to myself - turnabout is fair play after all.
This is the sad fucked up truth about our parents, if you are like most of us and from a disfuntional family: They will bitch at you until you become what they want and they will hate you thereafter.
My sister is in denial about all of this, but then, my sister IS an even more fucked up mess than either one of them. My sister gets along great with both of them. She won't EVER take a stand when a fight occures between me and one of them and yet the moment my mom starts bitching at her she's instantly weaping on my shoulder. I like a lot of things about Sara, but this aspect of her I detest.
And the fact that my parents have made my sister into a drug addict, alcoholic, bi-poler codependent sex maniac who has no sense of her future also pisses me off at them to no end. Because I don't love anyone as deeply as Sara, no matter how completely I am night and she is day.
Now the really sick thing in all of this is: I like that they hate me. I wouldn't know how to behave toward loving parents. The concept is totally beyond me. (It's not like you can move to the other side of the world for college and remain there in a time of war if you feel that your parents really care about you). To be sure - my mom used to love me; but that part of my life is very fuzzy and a LONG ways back.
I'm not saying that I hate my parents. Hate would imply equality. I pity them both, which is a far more insulting emotion - all things considered. On some level and in some degree my mother wanted my life to be better than hers was but she never had the intellectual capasity and/or moral strength to make that possible.
My point is: People should really have to get a license to have a kid.
I used to worry about passing my soul-mate on the street and thinking to myself 'man, I'd really like to bone her, maybe I should go chat her up' and then not making a move.
That isn't what worries me these days.
Since Suicide girls I pretty much have accepted the fact that I won't necessarily find one soul-mate since SO MANY chicks on SG are potentials - in that sphere.
No, what worries me is that once I do find my soul-mate she and I will have a really good time, get hitched, and then grow to hate eachother.
This would be hell it's-self.
So now I enter a whole new world of dilemmas, the cool thing about that breif period in time of my life when I was a loser was that: As a loser I never had to worry about fucking up; I simply lacked options.
As an achiever the options are too many and you spend all your extra time wondering if you've made some horrible mistake.
=============================
You want to know the secret of getting revenge on your parents?
Become exactly who they always wanted you to be, they'll louth you for it to their very core.
It will drive them completely crasy because you will have the life that they have always wanted.
I know this becuase, in a sense and to a degree, I've done this.
My mom has always wanted to live in Israel. My father has always wanted to have a real relationship with a women.
My mom could never do math, my dad sucks at public speaking. I finished Calculus in high school. I was an instant success in debate club in college. (These are just examples off the top of my head.)
My parents hate me.
Not openly, they can't be that honest with themselves, but deep down inside when I speak to them all I see is resentment in their eyes, all I can hear is held-back anger in their voice. Sometimes it's as if I can almost hear their souls screaming out at me: 'I did my best to make you an even more horribly fucked up mess than myself and yet somehow you still ended up okay. I hope you go to hell.' Inevitably, if I speak to either one of them for more than 15 minutes we get into a shouting match. I have so out-done both of them with a vastly more hectic childhood that they feel grossly inadequet when I'm around. Especially because I love to judge them and compare them to myself - turnabout is fair play after all.
This is the sad fucked up truth about our parents, if you are like most of us and from a disfuntional family: They will bitch at you until you become what they want and they will hate you thereafter.
My sister is in denial about all of this, but then, my sister IS an even more fucked up mess than either one of them. My sister gets along great with both of them. She won't EVER take a stand when a fight occures between me and one of them and yet the moment my mom starts bitching at her she's instantly weaping on my shoulder. I like a lot of things about Sara, but this aspect of her I detest.
And the fact that my parents have made my sister into a drug addict, alcoholic, bi-poler codependent sex maniac who has no sense of her future also pisses me off at them to no end. Because I don't love anyone as deeply as Sara, no matter how completely I am night and she is day.
Now the really sick thing in all of this is: I like that they hate me. I wouldn't know how to behave toward loving parents. The concept is totally beyond me. (It's not like you can move to the other side of the world for college and remain there in a time of war if you feel that your parents really care about you). To be sure - my mom used to love me; but that part of my life is very fuzzy and a LONG ways back.
I'm not saying that I hate my parents. Hate would imply equality. I pity them both, which is a far more insulting emotion - all things considered. On some level and in some degree my mother wanted my life to be better than hers was but she never had the intellectual capasity and/or moral strength to make that possible.
My point is: People should really have to get a license to have a kid.
it pleases me that I frighten you.