Near Life experiences:
Age 0: I'm born unbreathing, black and blue, with the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck.
Age 2: My mom drives through the Smokey mountains with 0 visibility during a huge thunderstorm. I'm in the back seat.
Age 3: I eat rat poison and have to go to the emergency room to have my stomach pumped.
Age 6: I fall down a very long flight of stairs and somehow don't suffer any damage.
Age 7: My parents drive back up to Saint Louis to buy a new Toyota Previa - in a major ice storm. We have 3 car accidents on the way up there and go off the road twice.
Age 8: I fall out of a tree and narrowly avoid splitting my head of a huge rock.
Age 9: I narrowly avoid stepping on a snake.
Also: A Guy who is my mom's best friend's boyfriend and child's mother later satanically tortures and kills her and their child. He is at our house the Hanukah before. He just seemed like a shy, quiet, ugly bald government worker.
Age 10: I convince my until now best friend to put down his machete and let me go home.
Age 11: My mom runs out in the front yard in front of a man who is ready to kill me for beating the hell out of his kid (with a baseball bat) who bullied the hell out of me for a year.
Age 12: My mom is driving over a bridge that is fully black iced during a snowy winter day when she looses control and ends up getting involved in a 88 car pile up. Some how our car manages to get past two huge vans and into the main area of collision?!?!?!?! We are all still trying to figure out how that was physically possible, but it saved out lives.
Age 13: I get the hell beat out of me for being Jewish until a teacher comes up and makes the kids leave me alone. But he doesn't do anything to them. I don't know how far the kids were going to go with it but I list it anyways.
Age 14: I ride my bike very hard down a road that I don't know and am unable to stop my bike in time to avoid falling off a small cliff. My back is fuct from that to this day.
Age 15: I'm in the car with a buddy who is chemically imbalanced and we go 'joy riding' in East Memphiss narrow streets and nearly hit about 9 cars. When we finally graze car #10 we decide to call it a night.
Age 16: My mom is driving her car when all of the sudden the car in front of us stops on a dime. I see the whole thing and yell. Mom slams her break but they aren't anti-lock and it's too late. The cars collide but not very hard. Had I not seen it coming and yelled???
Age 17: I narrowly avoid running head on into some idiot driver on a back road. We both swerve off road. I get back on road but his car was still there last I look. Drunk fuck.
Also: My Dad beats the hell out of me for catching him having an affair on my mom. My sister runs up with a large ass kitchen knife and threatens his life. She thinks he was going to kill me.
Age 18: I drive out in front of another car that I couldn't see and we collide. Both cars are totaled, his flips over. Everyone walks away without a scratch.
Age 19: I'm in the car when we drive from Jerusalem through the west bank and have a Molotov cocktail thrown at our van. The van swerves and the cocktail misses the wind shield and explodes behind and to the side of the car.
Age 20: In the height of the Intifata we drive through a very heated Arab town and get stuck in a traffic jam. I close my eyes and pray. Somehow they let us through - Israeli plates and all. This is during a time when soldiers who are captured are being lynched by militant Palestinians.
Age 21: I go to bed with a chick who apparently has a huge-ass south-African boyfriend. After I stop seeing her he calls me up telling me how if he was in Israel he'd kill me and if I ever touch his girl again he'll hire some Russians on my ass. I honestly saw no evidence of this boyfriend until my phone rang. You live and you learn.
I FUCKING HATE CARS!!!! I love taking buses.
edited to add: I wasn't under the impression that this wasn't SO many near death experiences. Maybe a few more than usual, no?
This 0wns:
Age 0: I'm born unbreathing, black and blue, with the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck.
Age 2: My mom drives through the Smokey mountains with 0 visibility during a huge thunderstorm. I'm in the back seat.
Age 3: I eat rat poison and have to go to the emergency room to have my stomach pumped.
Age 6: I fall down a very long flight of stairs and somehow don't suffer any damage.
Age 7: My parents drive back up to Saint Louis to buy a new Toyota Previa - in a major ice storm. We have 3 car accidents on the way up there and go off the road twice.
Age 8: I fall out of a tree and narrowly avoid splitting my head of a huge rock.
Age 9: I narrowly avoid stepping on a snake.
Also: A Guy who is my mom's best friend's boyfriend and child's mother later satanically tortures and kills her and their child. He is at our house the Hanukah before. He just seemed like a shy, quiet, ugly bald government worker.
Age 10: I convince my until now best friend to put down his machete and let me go home.
Age 11: My mom runs out in the front yard in front of a man who is ready to kill me for beating the hell out of his kid (with a baseball bat) who bullied the hell out of me for a year.
Age 12: My mom is driving over a bridge that is fully black iced during a snowy winter day when she looses control and ends up getting involved in a 88 car pile up. Some how our car manages to get past two huge vans and into the main area of collision?!?!?!?! We are all still trying to figure out how that was physically possible, but it saved out lives.
Age 13: I get the hell beat out of me for being Jewish until a teacher comes up and makes the kids leave me alone. But he doesn't do anything to them. I don't know how far the kids were going to go with it but I list it anyways.
Age 14: I ride my bike very hard down a road that I don't know and am unable to stop my bike in time to avoid falling off a small cliff. My back is fuct from that to this day.
Age 15: I'm in the car with a buddy who is chemically imbalanced and we go 'joy riding' in East Memphiss narrow streets and nearly hit about 9 cars. When we finally graze car #10 we decide to call it a night.
Age 16: My mom is driving her car when all of the sudden the car in front of us stops on a dime. I see the whole thing and yell. Mom slams her break but they aren't anti-lock and it's too late. The cars collide but not very hard. Had I not seen it coming and yelled???
Age 17: I narrowly avoid running head on into some idiot driver on a back road. We both swerve off road. I get back on road but his car was still there last I look. Drunk fuck.
Also: My Dad beats the hell out of me for catching him having an affair on my mom. My sister runs up with a large ass kitchen knife and threatens his life. She thinks he was going to kill me.
Age 18: I drive out in front of another car that I couldn't see and we collide. Both cars are totaled, his flips over. Everyone walks away without a scratch.
Age 19: I'm in the car when we drive from Jerusalem through the west bank and have a Molotov cocktail thrown at our van. The van swerves and the cocktail misses the wind shield and explodes behind and to the side of the car.
Age 20: In the height of the Intifata we drive through a very heated Arab town and get stuck in a traffic jam. I close my eyes and pray. Somehow they let us through - Israeli plates and all. This is during a time when soldiers who are captured are being lynched by militant Palestinians.
Age 21: I go to bed with a chick who apparently has a huge-ass south-African boyfriend. After I stop seeing her he calls me up telling me how if he was in Israel he'd kill me and if I ever touch his girl again he'll hire some Russians on my ass. I honestly saw no evidence of this boyfriend until my phone rang. You live and you learn.
I FUCKING HATE CARS!!!! I love taking buses.
edited to add: I wasn't under the impression that this wasn't SO many near death experiences. Maybe a few more than usual, no?
This 0wns:
VIEW 14 of 14 COMMENTS
It's entirely too structured for my tastes.
I'll just go back to telling people that carrots created the first salami, that when endowed with the power of marshmello fluff, was able to trancend the boundries of mere lunchmeat and became nothing.
Everything sprang from the brain fart of salami
I had this one happen to me also, but I think was 12 at the time not 10 and it was two butcher knifes. We hadn't gotten into a fight or anything of the sort he was just a dick.