sigma

Mood: Solumn
Music: Clubbed to Death, Matrix Soundtrack

Romance, love, frustration, loss, remorse...

I have so much remorse when I think about the past. I could redo every day of my life better, if I had only known. And yet I'm totally content with who and what I am today and where I am in life.

I wonder: Are we all looking for our mirror image or is it ourselves we are looking for?

Perhaps it is an equal? But what is an equal.

How would you know it if you found the right person for you? What if you meet a 'right person' for everyday of your life and it's just up to you to see that and act upon it?

Why is it I find my online friendships so much more real than all but one of my friendships in reality?

Why is it that when I speak to my nearest and dearest online the conversations go so much deeper?

What magical power does this text I'm writing have? Is it the keyboard? What makes online conversations so much less inhibited? The lack of eye contact and facial expressions?

And how do we ascertain mood in cyberspace, such as it currently is? That's a tricky one too. Being mi5und3r5t00d is very easy here.

Why do some people dream and others do? Is it really the dreamers who are weak? Is it not the doers that fear death more?

And what is weakness and what is strength? Behind every strength is a weakness, no?

I'm a man of strong moral fiber and yet have I done anything good with my life? Anything at all? When your life jumps tracks as many times as mine has you start to ask yourself that question. Whose fucking team am I on, anyways?

Yet even if there wasn't good done, there is much meaning in this Klingon Opera I'm living. But the question is: since that's all predicated on my self-determination what happens to me when I'm finally placed into a situation where my will is made to be subjugated to that of the state? Will it not break me?

Yet am I not, in that very act, being precisely sure that I have done something good with my life?

And yet that is just the Jewish perspective. From the Arabic perspective my actions will be the diametric opposite of 'good'. But since I'm not Arabic, should that matter to me? Do I not believe that suicide bombers are wrong?

And is this not all just a choice?

Aye, there's the rub.

Since I converted to Judaism with my family when I was young can I not just leave it at my will? And yet they say once a Jew always a Jew...what a awful sentiment, given the history of our people.

My feelings is that if I serve in the IDF then afterward I'm free to choose whether or not to continue to identify with the Jewish people, I will owe them nothing at that point so it will be my choice. The same with Israel, which is one heavy burden to bear...the life here I mean.

I've been told over and again by my 'friends' over the last 8 years that I never do the easy thing. Sometimes it's said in disgust, sometimes respect, sometimes as a challenge. The fact is that none of these people have even attempted to understand me. If they would have listened to what I have to say even a little bit they would realized that I simply have never had an easy thing to do. I always choose to do something the hard way because my only other option is always the other hard way.

And, to be perfectly honest, that holds true for everyone. There is no easy way. Nothing is simple, not even the assertion that nothing is simple.

(I'm sorry about this entry, I promise that the next one will be much lighter)