sigma

Alhim and Smuffy's testimonials were both serious and touching. I feel so unworthy.

Thank you both deeply.

Okay, my time for SG is still minimal, so here is something that was just laying around on my hard drive:

///Interview with the Big Guy Upstairs///

Interviewer: So, your God?

God: Yes, I am.

I: What's that like?

G: Well it changes from day to day, with the weather as we like to say up here. ::Laughs::

I: Well God, I think the big question on everyone's mind is: Why?

G: Rather I would ask you: why not? Seriously, so far on the whole, I think it's been a fun ride; and I promise the last act is going to be very impressive, I've been planning it now for eons. You know at first I told John the Baptist what I had in mind but as the Millennia past I decided I'd tone it down a bit from what I had planned then. The whole wrath-vengeance thing I've done several times before. It's tired. Furthermore there are so many new themes you guys are inventing all the time. I've kept the same theme of redemption, just cut out the whole gloom, doom, death, and destruction part. I've worked out a scene where all the righteous get there own existential little epiphany/enlightenment thing so Apocalypse makes sense to them and all the wicked people get stuck with a broadened eternal form of existential angst along with a strong basic sense of meaninglessness. Over the last two centuries I've reached the conclusion that this form of Apocalypse is much more effective then the whole 4 horsemen thing I was going on before. And as usual the fun part is - even I don't know how it ends up. But anyway, it's going to be a lot of fun to watch it all. Some of you will even get to chill with me, VIP style. We'll light up and philosophize some. Moses and Plato have been arranging it all, it's going to be a blast. And best of all, the hot tub is actually bigger than the largest one in Texas that they keep boasting about!!! ::God gave a promising smile::

I: You mentioned lighting up. Is it true that the Meditron and the Angel Gabriel had you checked in for a while for your addiction to Cannabis?

G: Well, around here that's just a little joke, I wasn't even aware that the rumor had gotten divinely inspired to you guys. But hey, when I party who knows what I'm capable of! Even heard of the great flood? I regret that to this day, and many times I've wanted to go back and change it, but then I realized If I did I would never have learned from it. Then I realized that, No, I can make a rock I can't pick up (earth is the case in point), in any case actually it was you all that learned from that more than me, so I kept it as is for now. But I dunno, with Mac OS X I discovered this 'undo' function and some nights when I can't sleep because of all the damn praying - I'll hit on that in a minute - I'm really tempted to just 'unput' that tree in the Garden but so far I've kept it all as is. What the Hell right???

No, but honestly, I think I have my smoking habit under control and only once did someone try to get me checked in for being to volatile. Of cource, Milton wrote about that incident.

As for what I was saying about prayer. STOP IT ALL READY!!!! I haven't heard a new one in 2000 years and I got the point a long time ago. Hell, I already know all that stuff about myself. Yes, I'm King. Yes, I'm Holy, perfect, omnipotent, omniscient. That's the definition of God, haven't you memorized it yet!? As for those of you that pray to get something. Get it yourself, did I not give you hands and minds??? Lazy bastards.

I: So who has it right, which religion nailed down what you were looking for???

G: You know my favorite has always been Buddhism. They don't pray to me, yet they've got the idea down pretty damn good. Whatever though, this is a pretty stupid question. I gave 17 laws in no uncertain terms through many mouths and as of yet hardly anyone has kept to those simple little things. It's basically the ten commandment, what's so hard about keeping that, I don't get it???

But to answer you: All religions have a pretty good idea about what's up. The Jews have the best moral code, the Buddhists the best attitude, the Christians the best propaganda, the Moslems the best political persuasiveness, the Taoists the best path, I could go on all night. Point is if you really, really keep any religion you'll get into the backstage chill-out party with Me, Plato, and Moses.

I: OK, here iss another one we've all been dying to ask: Is there a Devil, and is there Jesus?

G: The whole Devil thing I just made up to keep you guys on your toes for some time. That worked out pretty well, in my eternally wise and infallible opinion. As for Jesus, that was just stupid. Paul had such a good sense of humor most the time, I dunno what he was on about at that point though. I tried to tell him a knock-knock joke and what happens? Christianity!

I: Well, that's an interesting thing to know. So if there is no Devil, is there hell?

G; Let me let you in on a little something. Hell and Earth are the same thing. The only other thing is Heaven.

I: Does that mean that there is reincarnation?

G: Amen there is!

I: What were you thinking when you made the following: The snake, the platypus, and Rick Moranus.

G: I confess, I was stoned on all accounts.

I: When did you invent Cannabis, incidentally.

G: Some things have to be secrets I'm afraid.

I: Ok then, Have you invented anything recently?

G: Well, OK, yes actually, Why not let you know??? Linux was divinely inspired.

I: What about the computer it's self, some speculate that it was divine as well.

G: My only comment was that there were always computers. If I told you how fast the processor on my machine was you'd shit yourself. I'm not capable of lying, so please don't ask.

I: Ok, If I might be so bold as to change topics a bit now. In mythologies we see these other gods all the time. Were there ever any others like you, could you tell us anything about that?

G: I'd rather not comment on that at this time. I will tell you that Douglas Adams was getting a little to close to figuring it out so I went ahead and promoted him early.

I: Ok then, just one other thing. Who Killed Kennedy?

G: I Did. Bet you never figured that one out.

At this point God cracks up and a doobie appears in his right hand.