((((THIS IS SUCH A SWEET COLABORATION...YOUVE GOT THE POWER...IVE GOT THE SHAME))))
today i should be happy...i should be excited...but leave it to me to ruin a good time. *sigh*
i cant remember the last time the phone rang and it was for me. not like i enjoy talking on the phone, but the fact that someone is thinking of me is lacking. I AM SO LONELY and its all my fault. i am a hypocrit. i complain about being lonely...but the mention of an social event and i run in the other direction.
(((( i am reminded of a concert a few months ago. all is fine and dandy until more people enter the bar. faces i knew and faces i didnt. potential to have a good time and meet some new people. i left after the first band feeling as if i couldnt breathe. i retire to my car where i vomit and fear to go back into the building. *cries*))))
i cant decide whether a birthday party is a good idea. i havent had one for years just to avoid the embarrassment. i dont want the rejection of no one coming. but then again, it has been years. people might show *sigh*
***WHY CANT I FIND MYSELF AN IDOL?***
im back to the lauren i hate again and not the molly i want to be. *sigh* i cant help the things i do...the things i say. its like multiple me's are out there fucking things up and i awake to a mess that i didnt even know i made. is this the way an artist should be? i suppose because i always have some emotion to express. but instead i become lazy and let the inspiration go to waste.
im afraid of wasting a canvas
ive lost my mind...and any appetite to be happy. i believe i wouldnt know how to be normal and happy so i unknowingly distort my view on life. i cant blame anyone for not wanting to be there for me. there will always be something wrong in my life. what i really need to do is throw this computer out...and hope to god something in my life happens.
tomorrow i venture to New York for hopefully a good time. someone needs to drag me out of this funk kicking and screaming. oh and today i watched a scene from "Purple Rain" and it has made me fall in love with Moris Day and the Time. *sigh*
today i should be happy...i should be excited...but leave it to me to ruin a good time. *sigh*
i cant remember the last time the phone rang and it was for me. not like i enjoy talking on the phone, but the fact that someone is thinking of me is lacking. I AM SO LONELY and its all my fault. i am a hypocrit. i complain about being lonely...but the mention of an social event and i run in the other direction.
(((( i am reminded of a concert a few months ago. all is fine and dandy until more people enter the bar. faces i knew and faces i didnt. potential to have a good time and meet some new people. i left after the first band feeling as if i couldnt breathe. i retire to my car where i vomit and fear to go back into the building. *cries*))))
i cant decide whether a birthday party is a good idea. i havent had one for years just to avoid the embarrassment. i dont want the rejection of no one coming. but then again, it has been years. people might show *sigh*
***WHY CANT I FIND MYSELF AN IDOL?***
im back to the lauren i hate again and not the molly i want to be. *sigh* i cant help the things i do...the things i say. its like multiple me's are out there fucking things up and i awake to a mess that i didnt even know i made. is this the way an artist should be? i suppose because i always have some emotion to express. but instead i become lazy and let the inspiration go to waste.
im afraid of wasting a canvas
ive lost my mind...and any appetite to be happy. i believe i wouldnt know how to be normal and happy so i unknowingly distort my view on life. i cant blame anyone for not wanting to be there for me. there will always be something wrong in my life. what i really need to do is throw this computer out...and hope to god something in my life happens.
tomorrow i venture to New York for hopefully a good time. someone needs to drag me out of this funk kicking and screaming. oh and today i watched a scene from "Purple Rain" and it has made me fall in love with Moris Day and the Time. *sigh*
It can be done, but it requires a lot of work.
I don't know how much, as I too have been unsuccessful at changing my grim life.