insert tab A into slot B, fold, insert into slot C.
I less and less feel the need to identify. I drank but a little tonight, but still flt the need to be sick, sick of the habit, sick of the need, sick of the desires. Sicpowered indeed. the fuel that fills me, sickens me, and even if i expel it, i still remain in a dystopian haze from the effort.
to sum up, in tangible terms: I drank 3, and only 3, beers tonight after work, and it wasn't what i was looking for. I can't stand searching for one thing when i want to look for another, and tonight was like that. so in an effort to find something i know i love, i ran. hard. fast, wind on my face, smooth rolling asphalt under my feet. when i got home, the belly full of sickness only grew, took shape behind the alcohol, and i made myself get sick. I forced it out. i didn't want it anymore, just like i don't want any of these bad habits, these feelings of apathy and relentless rationalization. I want other things, i want and i'm tired of pretending i can't have them.
I am not going to drink anymore. no, this isn't a straight edge statement of utter self denial. this is more like a i don't want this anymore. not right now. just like i want her, or her, or her, but if i can't have them, any of them, i won't choose to pine i won't let myself into the self pity of the unattainable struggle. No. I'd rather have success, where it can be found.
maybe this makes any sense. maybe i'm just deluding myself, because i'm pissed off.i'm just sick inside, and i know i'm the one harboring this illness, and it isn't the drink's fault, it isn't the lost loves of years gone by. It's me, all me. and i'm no longer happy with it. i am, in truth, really fucking tired of the wasted time, the wasted creativity, the wasted life.
in unrelated news,. don't do the following;
A. go hiking off trail in Alaska in shorts. there is this stuff called devil's club, and it's not nice.
B. stay inside all the time, even though habit dictates it.
C. accept other people's projected rationalizations of their own behaviors.
Do the following;
enjoy the fresh air.
smile at the differences between you and the world
get some rest.
If i only knew, but then perhaps... perhaps i do.
I less and less feel the need to identify. I drank but a little tonight, but still flt the need to be sick, sick of the habit, sick of the need, sick of the desires. Sicpowered indeed. the fuel that fills me, sickens me, and even if i expel it, i still remain in a dystopian haze from the effort.
to sum up, in tangible terms: I drank 3, and only 3, beers tonight after work, and it wasn't what i was looking for. I can't stand searching for one thing when i want to look for another, and tonight was like that. so in an effort to find something i know i love, i ran. hard. fast, wind on my face, smooth rolling asphalt under my feet. when i got home, the belly full of sickness only grew, took shape behind the alcohol, and i made myself get sick. I forced it out. i didn't want it anymore, just like i don't want any of these bad habits, these feelings of apathy and relentless rationalization. I want other things, i want and i'm tired of pretending i can't have them.
I am not going to drink anymore. no, this isn't a straight edge statement of utter self denial. this is more like a i don't want this anymore. not right now. just like i want her, or her, or her, but if i can't have them, any of them, i won't choose to pine i won't let myself into the self pity of the unattainable struggle. No. I'd rather have success, where it can be found.
maybe this makes any sense. maybe i'm just deluding myself, because i'm pissed off.i'm just sick inside, and i know i'm the one harboring this illness, and it isn't the drink's fault, it isn't the lost loves of years gone by. It's me, all me. and i'm no longer happy with it. i am, in truth, really fucking tired of the wasted time, the wasted creativity, the wasted life.
in unrelated news,. don't do the following;
A. go hiking off trail in Alaska in shorts. there is this stuff called devil's club, and it's not nice.
B. stay inside all the time, even though habit dictates it.
C. accept other people's projected rationalizations of their own behaviors.
Do the following;
enjoy the fresh air.
smile at the differences between you and the world
get some rest.
If i only knew, but then perhaps... perhaps i do.
you can change if you decide to & take decisive action. any decision worth being made can be made in 7 breathes.
I did get some rest, but no where what I needed. How about you?
~cheers