The end result looked very much like a bag of cottage cheese had exploded all over my face, attaching itself to my facial hair in odd clumps. ridges of clumping along my formidable brow, my sloping criminal forehead. Well, at least i wasn't suffocating for long. And I didn't even clog the sink...
Now i'm pining away for a new life, far away, soon to come. California may be great, it may be the place I was built by and for, but it will be a good day when I don't see it out every window, and when I don't breathe it's air. if i had my choice, I'd die here in California, and be burned in a righteous fire nearly upon the ocean, or old and lost, feebleminded in the woods. maybe both.
It will be a good day soon, maybe sooner than I'm ready, but I'm always ready to be unprepared. North, North, North.. my other home, the place I went to and found fine and good, and dying there would be just as good as here. might be a strange way to think of a place, but i believe that death is only moments away at all times, as it should be, and though i grow timid in my middle years, that sense of near death living always cheers me up a bit. But I digress...
I'm really looking forward to moving, and the most frustrating thing i know right now, are the delays that creep out of the woodwork of my bad habits. Inopportune spending, half-hearted planning, a near total lack of organization. It's been a while since I lived under the shadow of my own expectations of self, since i thought about something bigger than the next paycheck, or tomorrow's event of choice. I'm relishing these people, as honestly as i can, i will likely not see most of them again. Ever. Have i left them better than not? have I been a good influence or example, or just a good friend? How long will it take them to say, "damn I miss Eren" I want to tell them to take me while they can, drink me in, for when i'm gone the doses will be far a few between. But my ego doesn't fly like that, and i rather like just leaving, just being gone one day, to be missed or not, to be loved or not, but to be gone for sure.
what makes me feel lucky is the true friends i take with me wherever i go, the ones i can not see for years, and love just as much as when we lived in each others laps. times like this are always a testing time, who will even try to keep up a connection? will they just let me go, or will I find their absence isn't so bad?
And I'm looking forward to the cold. to the bundles of clothes, and the heat of another's touch meaning that much more. Finding new fingers and lips, new crushing weights of lust. new tastes, new smells, new expectations that i might be able to fulfill. new laughs to explore, new smiles to get lost in.
*sigh*
Now i'm pining away for a new life, far away, soon to come. California may be great, it may be the place I was built by and for, but it will be a good day when I don't see it out every window, and when I don't breathe it's air. if i had my choice, I'd die here in California, and be burned in a righteous fire nearly upon the ocean, or old and lost, feebleminded in the woods. maybe both.
It will be a good day soon, maybe sooner than I'm ready, but I'm always ready to be unprepared. North, North, North.. my other home, the place I went to and found fine and good, and dying there would be just as good as here. might be a strange way to think of a place, but i believe that death is only moments away at all times, as it should be, and though i grow timid in my middle years, that sense of near death living always cheers me up a bit. But I digress...
I'm really looking forward to moving, and the most frustrating thing i know right now, are the delays that creep out of the woodwork of my bad habits. Inopportune spending, half-hearted planning, a near total lack of organization. It's been a while since I lived under the shadow of my own expectations of self, since i thought about something bigger than the next paycheck, or tomorrow's event of choice. I'm relishing these people, as honestly as i can, i will likely not see most of them again. Ever. Have i left them better than not? have I been a good influence or example, or just a good friend? How long will it take them to say, "damn I miss Eren" I want to tell them to take me while they can, drink me in, for when i'm gone the doses will be far a few between. But my ego doesn't fly like that, and i rather like just leaving, just being gone one day, to be missed or not, to be loved or not, but to be gone for sure.
what makes me feel lucky is the true friends i take with me wherever i go, the ones i can not see for years, and love just as much as when we lived in each others laps. times like this are always a testing time, who will even try to keep up a connection? will they just let me go, or will I find their absence isn't so bad?
And I'm looking forward to the cold. to the bundles of clothes, and the heat of another's touch meaning that much more. Finding new fingers and lips, new crushing weights of lust. new tastes, new smells, new expectations that i might be able to fulfill. new laughs to explore, new smiles to get lost in.
*sigh*
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
so, now that i have read the above more carefully, i wonder of this move. where north are you headed, sir? and if i may, for what purpose? your name is lovely btw - meaning?
as for leaving people, yes with the complications and the questions. i've moved so many times that i tend to leave and *boom* that is it ... out of site out of mind. however, that has modified in the last few years, and i try to keep up with more people. that said, i am sooo able to let people go.
however
whether i keep up with people or not, or vice versa, how they touched me remains, you know? it lingers in memory, in experience, in sense, in un/conscious ~ and for that i am grateful ~ even the hurting memories have value. i suspect you make quite an impact on people, and that they carry it with them. yesyes.
and moving as a way to ShakeYrselfUp ~ fabulousness. the pining for the new brings appreciation of the current into a crystalsharp sweetness, doesn't it? everything is sharper and more distinct which makes it oh so painfully pleasing ~ realizing that the present moment is a future memory and trying to soak in EverythingEverything in fulLEST sensory mode. mmmmmmm. delight.
ramblingrambling again.