sicpowered

ok so now it's twice a week...... ouch. more strips, more blue (is that bad?) knuckles, more strain pain and fun. it's as much like kendo as can be, without having anything in common. it's usually a one handed, oft wild, t-shirt and jeans kind thing. oh and incidentally, a "eat very little meat" experiment, does not generally go well with rapid healing from multiple blunt force trauma. I.E. i'm mega ultra hella sore, purpley and smiling.

things aside from fun are not really working out too well, a jumbled tumbling coherency just waiting to bump into solid force and come apart. I'm getting ready to go, but I don't want to just bolt. Well, actually I really just want to drop it all, but I know very well how that can be, and I don't want the cheap desperation that comes with starving and selling clothes to pay for rent.

My ex's b-day is tomorrow. This is the off and on, four or five years of commitment, loss, renewal, loss, solitude, renewal, hope, loss, in a nut shell. No betrayal, no abuse, just plain old fashioned crazy wedged between us. Used to be, as I understand, you could just love someone, he/she/it/them could love you back, and it would be. The End, kids to follow. Now it is apparently not so. Fuck it, it's over no point in dwelling. No more good money after bad as they say. I'll just continue to flinch when an unexpected reminder of her slips into the visual field unedited.

And now the world is open for business, ready to be plucked or plundered, obstinate or oblivious. maybe i can scrounge an emotional credit card, to have the appearance of wealth without out all that pesky hard currency appeal.

and lyrics, not for her, for everyone else...
(insert slow crunchy german guitars)

when I have to die then
I want to strangle myself in your black hair
and when I have to die then
I want to suffocate between you sweet breasts
and when I have to die then
I want to be blinded by your brown eyes
and when I have to die then
I want to cut my veins on your lips
I have not yet learned enough
my hands in chains
the brain a hole in the wall

A hole in the wall

So what I am never going to die

And when I have to die then
I want to starve in your lap
and when I have to die then
I want to burn in your bed
and when I have to die then
I want to drown in your heat
And when I have to die then
I want to be poisoned by your blood
and when I have to die then
I want to melt away from your kiss
and then when I am dead
bury me close to your heart
Close to your heart
I have not yet learned enough
My hands in chains
the brain - a hole in the wall

A hole in the wall

Close to your heart

-KMFDM