Well, in case anyone noticed.. we had a lunar eclipse late last nite (or early this morning depending on your disposition). Although i have seemingly lived thru several, this was the 1st i took time to watch. Ironic the same circumstances that would allow me to enjoy it would also prevent me from fully enjoying it. But i did see it, standing in my neighbors front lawn, knees acheing and throbbing, abdomin cramping and occasionally stabbing with pain... while keeping a tight hold of buddy's leash so he wouldnt run off after the rabbits.
It kind of humbles you if you think about it, standing there.. the dawn running up behind you with the moon hurtling thru space in its orbit trying to outrun the shadow our lil planet has made across it. I thought back to the line of my people before me looking up in their own time wether it be on salsbury planes or the shores of norway looking up in amazement, understanding, reverence, or flat out fear. Course the sound of the paper guy delivering the news brought me back to my present situation as the moon sunk behind the trees. Poor mooks, they hadnt even saw it.. most never knew it was going to happen, more still didnt care.
Was it a big deal? No.. just the moon with a shadow on it, changing colours, but with all things, it is what you make it. For me, it was a chance to see something i missed when i was a kid ( the reasons for i wont be sharing) and to reflect.. and for buddy to take a dump on my neighbors grass.
You know, alot of things go thru my head when i sit and think, at 1st it all seems just random bits and pieces, images and what not. But it all sort of takes shape after while and then it all sort of makes a weird kind of sense... and then its gone. Then im sort of left with the grim reality of it, its hard to explain really. The sun rises.. it sets, people get up, they go to work, they come home, they take a dump and they go to bed. Wash and repeat. I did that once... and for a time, i was healthy, had money, a girlfriend, nice toys. Course i was miserable and bored, my health went to shit and it fell apart. Is that a good thing for me? who knows.. who cares? In the grand scheme of it all.. does it really matter? I know buddy cares... but buddy also used to eat his own shit too.
When i was does thinking, i went back into my house to continue dying on more day at a time wondering how i could fix whats left of my life and make it resemble something worth admitting to.. i also wondered if i should bother at all.
It kind of humbles you if you think about it, standing there.. the dawn running up behind you with the moon hurtling thru space in its orbit trying to outrun the shadow our lil planet has made across it. I thought back to the line of my people before me looking up in their own time wether it be on salsbury planes or the shores of norway looking up in amazement, understanding, reverence, or flat out fear. Course the sound of the paper guy delivering the news brought me back to my present situation as the moon sunk behind the trees. Poor mooks, they hadnt even saw it.. most never knew it was going to happen, more still didnt care.
Was it a big deal? No.. just the moon with a shadow on it, changing colours, but with all things, it is what you make it. For me, it was a chance to see something i missed when i was a kid ( the reasons for i wont be sharing) and to reflect.. and for buddy to take a dump on my neighbors grass.
You know, alot of things go thru my head when i sit and think, at 1st it all seems just random bits and pieces, images and what not. But it all sort of takes shape after while and then it all sort of makes a weird kind of sense... and then its gone. Then im sort of left with the grim reality of it, its hard to explain really. The sun rises.. it sets, people get up, they go to work, they come home, they take a dump and they go to bed. Wash and repeat. I did that once... and for a time, i was healthy, had money, a girlfriend, nice toys. Course i was miserable and bored, my health went to shit and it fell apart. Is that a good thing for me? who knows.. who cares? In the grand scheme of it all.. does it really matter? I know buddy cares... but buddy also used to eat his own shit too.
When i was does thinking, i went back into my house to continue dying on more day at a time wondering how i could fix whats left of my life and make it resemble something worth admitting to.. i also wondered if i should bother at all.
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it is intimidating sometimes. To see things like that and just be slapped with the reality of how small and trivial life is. How everything that feels real and important to us is something that we also know in our minds shouldn't matter at all... And you get into the whole philosophical discussion of the meaning of life... Of what or why or how. I don't know. When i think about the fact that i am going to die, i scream inside... Emotionally i back into a corner, kicking and screaming and crying. I can't handle it. I've gotten to the point where i just know these big things are beyond comprehension, and all i try to do is bring myself back to normality... I try to focus on the things that my intellectual mind might deem shallow and pointless. I think about having sex or playing guitar or my dreams of being a famous musician. Usually once those heavy thoughts creep into my head, it takes a while to let go. It keeps me awake at night.
I don't know man. I'm an existentialist, but there's a part of me that doesn't believe in anything. I'd like to tell you to live your life to the fullest because all we have is now. But i don't have the spirit to.