sick

I'm feeling better today. My friend at work and I sent emails back and forth for much of the day, which cheered me up. She's safe because she's married, so my "all women are whores" philosophy doesn't apply, I can't be illusioned and then disillusioned, and thus there's no inevitable pain.

It's a good deal.

Also, I think I now have enough diazepam built up in my system to finally kill the anxiety; sometimes it takes a while for things to even out. Until then it can be a roller coaster. I'll undoubtedly feel like hell in a few days when I start to come off it, but it's worth it to be able to make it through the day.

I did try contacting the woman that triggered all this to explain that after a certain point, things really had nothing to do with her. I'm horrible at those kind of communications, though, because I still want to express my feelings and be listened to. I think people would prefer me to just drop the whole thing; however, what am I supposed to do? Be completely submissive and let people treat me with complete indifference?

Anyway, no response. I'm ok with it; it probably means she's pissed at me, and at least that's something. My first goal in dealing with people is to be nice, respectful, and hopefully get them to like me. Barring that, I will be a complete asshole and get them to hate me*.

Either way, they will feel something. I refuse to be treated as though I don't exist.

We each make our marks in the world in our own ways, don't we?



*That likely being accomplished in this case, I have deleted her number from my phone and de-friended her on the networking sites in order to prevent future temptation to speak to her, which would probably just end with me being mean and embarrassing myself further.