sick

About six months ago I stopped talking to one of my oldest friends when she announced she'd be getting married. It had been my plan for years; I like to be prepared. I know myself, and have always known that her getting married would create an emotional crisis I just couldn't deal with.

Mainly because I've been in love with her myself for ten years. The kind of thing I could never escape, even when I hadn't seen her for a while, because I compare every other woman to her, and they all fall short. It mostly made me miserable.

She seemed surprised at my actions, and astonished that I actually had a plan for the event. I don't know why. What did she think, that I'd be in her wedding, that we'd all hang out together, that our kids would grow up with one another?

So I finally gave up all hope, and took the opportunity to finally escape. I love being free of that demon.

Now, out of the blue, she writes and wants to know why I really left? What am I supposed to say? That I left to avoid dragging out ten years of repressed emotions, that I left so I wouldn't say hurtful things, so I wouldn't end up bitter and angry? That I left because I'd do all those things and worse if I stayed? And what good would it do? I refuse to be that guy who does those things in a last, futile attempt. It's just not right.

But to explain why I really left, I have to drag out all those emotions, etc., and do the very thing I swore not to do.

The act of thinking about her so much today is making me physically ill. Damned anxiety. I was doing so well; why couldn't she just let it go?