An Open Letter
Dear you,
It's been a bad week. What's wrong? I'm sure I've alluded to it here before, but I've probably never said it directly. To put it simply, my brain chemistry is fucked up. Obsessive-Compulsive disorder. Panic attacks. Recurrent major clinical depression. Dysthemia.
I'm drugged to the gills with Effexor, and exercise really helps, but I still struggle. Some days are better than others. Any day I'm still alive at the end of is a success. Any day I remain functioning is a complete victory.
I don't handle change well. In the interpersonal relationship arena, I can't deal with unexpected, unpleasant surprises. When I'm frustrated that things don't go as I'd hoped they would, when I feel hurt or neglected, I'll lash out. I will hurt those I feel are hurting me. Not with violence, or the screaming that you see during the domestic disturbances on Cops; I prefer the subtle, sharp barb. Sarcasm. Words that under other circumstances would be completely innocent. I'm good at it. It's complete maliciousness on my part. I want to make them hurt like they've hurt me.I don't suppose it's any comfort that I hold back the worst of it.
Or I'll go silent and avoid the source of my pain. I've gone for years without speaking to people who were once my dearest friends.
Not of that behavior is excused by my illnesses. My actions are somewhat a result of these, but it's possible that I could just be an asshole. But I can also be the nicest guy ever when I don't feel threatened.
So why tell you this? Because it presents to mutually exclusive options. People can either accept who I am, learn about my life and how I struggle, what I can deal with, what makes my life fly apart. They can learn to deal with the occasional emotional outburst. And they get all of the good parts of me, which I feel far outweigh the bad. Besides, what relationship is easy all the time?
Or they can decide that it's something they can't deal with, and they can leave. Most people choose this option, so I'll understand if you do too. Unfortunately, most of them don't decide on this route until I've grown emotionally attached to them; then one day they just decide they can't take any more, there's a scene, and they're gone. Needless to say, this is one of those unpleasant, unexpected surprises, and I fall apart. So please, if you choose to go this way, do so in the beginning.
Sincerely,
Sick
Dear you,
It's been a bad week. What's wrong? I'm sure I've alluded to it here before, but I've probably never said it directly. To put it simply, my brain chemistry is fucked up. Obsessive-Compulsive disorder. Panic attacks. Recurrent major clinical depression. Dysthemia.
I'm drugged to the gills with Effexor, and exercise really helps, but I still struggle. Some days are better than others. Any day I'm still alive at the end of is a success. Any day I remain functioning is a complete victory.
I don't handle change well. In the interpersonal relationship arena, I can't deal with unexpected, unpleasant surprises. When I'm frustrated that things don't go as I'd hoped they would, when I feel hurt or neglected, I'll lash out. I will hurt those I feel are hurting me. Not with violence, or the screaming that you see during the domestic disturbances on Cops; I prefer the subtle, sharp barb. Sarcasm. Words that under other circumstances would be completely innocent. I'm good at it. It's complete maliciousness on my part. I want to make them hurt like they've hurt me.I don't suppose it's any comfort that I hold back the worst of it.
Or I'll go silent and avoid the source of my pain. I've gone for years without speaking to people who were once my dearest friends.
Not of that behavior is excused by my illnesses. My actions are somewhat a result of these, but it's possible that I could just be an asshole. But I can also be the nicest guy ever when I don't feel threatened.
So why tell you this? Because it presents to mutually exclusive options. People can either accept who I am, learn about my life and how I struggle, what I can deal with, what makes my life fly apart. They can learn to deal with the occasional emotional outburst. And they get all of the good parts of me, which I feel far outweigh the bad. Besides, what relationship is easy all the time?
Or they can decide that it's something they can't deal with, and they can leave. Most people choose this option, so I'll understand if you do too. Unfortunately, most of them don't decide on this route until I've grown emotionally attached to them; then one day they just decide they can't take any more, there's a scene, and they're gone. Needless to say, this is one of those unpleasant, unexpected surprises, and I fall apart. So please, if you choose to go this way, do so in the beginning.
Sincerely,
Sick
