sick

Dear S,

In regards to my misanthropy, yesterday you asked, "But you don't hate me, do you?"

I responded with, "Not really." You weren't satisfied with that answer, so I tried again, in my usual equivocal style. You still wouldn't accept my answer. But what was I supposed to say? "Yeah, sometimes I hate you."

You've been one of my dearest friends for a long time, so it's only sometimes. Like when we go out, have a good time, and fight at the end of the night when you want to go to the abusive, asshole ex-boyfriend's, and I want to prevent you. This after telling me how bad he is for you earlier in the evening. I just don't get it.

But it's an argument I never win. This time you packed me off in a cab by myself, with some pretense of it being a lesson on how to fend for myself, or some bullshit. You packed me off in a cab by myself. An agoraphobic! The only way I get out of the house because of the unspoken agreement I have with friends that they'll watch out for me and keep me safe and all. It wasn't a lesson being a big boy, it was a betrayal.

And before I left you asked if I was mad? No, not so much mad as disappointed. Not because you abandoned me, but the reasons you did so. When will you learn?

Yours Truly,
N