sick

I had dinner tonight. With a woman. And I had fun, and I didn't feel sad, and it felt good.

Not like before. So, here's the story:

As I wrote before, MathGirl split up with her boyfriend last weekend. Of course, under the circumstances I would expect her to act a little crazy, go out, get drunk, and the rest. Which she did, with three guys she knows from school.

She told me about this on Monday, and I'd be cool with it. No big deal. Going out with friends. She said she was sad, and drunk, but didn't go home with anyone, though she said she probably would have if she'd been approached. But she didn't, because a few days before I'd written something about how she's the kind of person that would feel bad about herself if something like that happened. And my words made her think, and not do anything.

I didn't believe her. And I felt guilty, because it was the first time ever that I didn't trust her. I wrote to her about how I hadn't trusted her, and felt terrible.

After letting me feel guilty for a suitable period of time, she wrote back and told me that something actually had happened. She'd lied. And I'm one of the few people who can see through her when she's not being honest.

She told me about how she doesn't want to be in love. She wants to be irresponsible, and not feel anything, go home with people who can't make her happy, but can't hurt her, either. The very things I told her she'd feel bad about herself if she ever did. And which rule me out, because she loves me, and would feel something, and it's all so very complicated.

But I do think she now feels bad about herself.

Not that I would really notice, however, as I was incredibly hurt. I felt betrayed. I've waited so long, and it was my turn, damn it! I finally had a chance to be with her, and she skipped over me, because she loves me, and I'd make her feel. Fuck people. Why do they have to be so confusing?

And, of course, with my...disorder...I couldn't get rid of the thoughts of her with someone else. You know...sex thoughts. Thoughts that, had I been the one in them, would have been very good. But as it was, were torturous.

Then, about halfway through the day, I thought, "So, was it just the one guy, then, or all three? Did they take turns, or perhaps it was all of them at once?"

Welcome to Hell, Nathan.

Stupid imagination. The thing is, I know, intellectually, that it's not a big deal. But one part of my mind does what it wants, despite what the other parts are telling it.

Of course, once I'm over this, we'll go back to being close again. But the other day I just wanted to say things to hurt her, and make her feel like I felt. It's something I'm good at, saying cutting things, and always knowing the things to say that will hurt someone the most (just like I know the things to say that will make someone feel like they are the center of the universe). And I know all her secret fears.

But I restrained myself, because I knew I'd regret saying those things, and I want to be her friend again someday. Maybe when she's not so confused about things. But I know the thing I did say were probably still hurtful. Words that bruised and scratched. If I hadn't held back, it would have been a slashing that would have found me weeping over the mutilated remains of our relationship. But even so, I haven't heard back from her yet. Sometimes she doesn't write, or call, because she's ashamed, and can't think of what to say. But her silence always makes me feel that I've done something unforgiveable, and she won't talk to me any more because I'm an awful person.

I just wish I didn't have to watch her go through her confused stage.

But I went out to dinner with someone else tonight, and it felt good. I don't know if it was because, similar to MathGirl's rationale, that it was with someone who isn't close enough to me to hurt me. It's safe.

But it felt good not to be in pain. Yay!

I also have a doctor's appointment next Wednesday. The stress and craziness of the recent situation have finally persuaded me that I need to get better.