As an illustration, let us examine the lifecycle of a typical relationship with a member of the opposite sex.
- First, add a streak of narcissisum about a mile wide. This is the usual state of things, relationship or no.
- Something eventually happens that prevents me from achieving what I want, causing me emotional pain. Furthermore, my paranoia begins to tell me that more hurtful things have been done, and I just haven't found out yet.
- My first reaction is to cause pain to the object of my frustration, e.g. the female in question. This primarily means that I say very hurtful things.
- I know that this is not how I should treat said female. Also, I know I should trust her, but don't. I don't want to cause pain, or distrust, but I can't seem to prevent it. This results in guilt and anxiety.
- Believing I'm a bad person for doing such things, and that said female would be much better off without me, I subconciously attempt to drive her away so I can't cause her any more harm.
- Unfortunately the most effective way to drive someone off is to do her more harm. This results in more guilt and anxiety.
- It should come as no surprise that I banish these obsessive thoughts of guilt, anxiety, and the rest by employing compulsive behavior, e.g. repeatedly solving my Rubik's Cube
- My obviously insane behavior eventually succeeds in driving female off. I am miserable, but eventually recover with the passage of time and the use of alcohol.
- Find new female. Repeat.
What's most frustrating about it is that I know it's happening, and for some reason I just can't stop doing it. I'm not a sadist; I don't like causing pain. I just want to have relationships like other people have relationships, to love like other people love, without wanting to destroy.
I suppose that's the reason I'm not a complete monster. I don't want to be.
But I think I got broken somewhere along the way.
I think I'll go to Best Buy now. Episode III has almost been out an entire week, and I don't have it yet! I was going to get it this weekend, but I was lazy and stayed home every day instead.
I think I'll also get the complete Firefly.
I must also go to the Crane store for stationery. Doesn't that sound fun?
____
They didn't have the stationery I was looking for at the stationery store. You'd think people didn't write letters anymore.
Oh, right...
