sibby

In the darkest night your demons attack you the strongest. The beak down all your defenses and burrow deep into your heart. They find what you treasure most and they twist it up inside you, making you break down and cry or turn evil and spitefull. They make you feel as though there is nothing to hope for. Nothing worth living for. Nothing worth fighting for. I say this because it is now 3 in the morning and I am still awake. Trying to find the strenght to close my eyes and not see her face. It seems that all I do is pine for her. I know you are all tired of hearing me whine and complain. But the truth is, she was the only person who got under my armor. She is the only person who made my heart feel. I was there when her daughter was born. That will strip away even the hardest bastards armor away. It just feels as though I will never be whole again. It feels as though my whole world revolves aroung those two, and what hurts so bad is nothing I could ever do will bring them back. No matter how hard I tear at myself. No matter what I do......I can never change things. There has been to much hurt. To much pain between us. Too many things that can not be unsaid, Too many acts that should have been so forgivable just added up and piled high....can't be seen past. She said she is getting married in Feb. This alone is enough to kill me. My eyes are laden with tears at this moment but I have to get this out. I know no one will read this. As much as I want to say I don't care I do. I want people to show me attention. I crave it. Its the only thing that makes me feel wanted anymore. I am not talking the fake attention. I am talking about the kind that real friends have. The kind where they instintivly know something is wrong.....The kind where they call to see if everything is ok. And for all my trying....I don't have that. Which makes dealing with her so much harder. I realize how true few friends I have when my birthday came this year. Came and went without so much a a whimper. I went throught the motions of any other day. I awoke at 7 a.m. to go for a morning run then I went out and cleared land because my aunt and uncle have their ass in a mind to do it. the ONLY person who called me on my birthday was my mother. ONE FUCKING PERSON........don't get me wrong....I loved the thread you all started but its kind of like oh well hey its ur b'day....here.....Not that I didn't apreciate it...I really did....you don't know how much it ment to me...especially since no one called.....and yes I am on a very severe bitch and moan tantrum right now....not that anyone is reading by this point. The only reason that this is even getting typed is because I can't hold it in any longer. My well has built up so much that I can't hold it in anymore. My soul cries out for release. So here it is in all its glory. I am stripping away everything that protects me and keeps everyone at arms distance....I am hurting to much now to hide it.....I have this huge desire to please people and make them happy. It is the only thing that matters to me. I always has been. Deep down my soul and my heart is empty. All the emotions have left me. I feel dead inside. I try to hide it. To put on a face so that you don't see the pain, all the while I pray you don't look into my eyes and see that they are dying.... because the truth is I have nothing left to give. I have nothing. I am an empty shell of a hollow smile. And soon this blog will vanish into the annals of blogs I have posted in which no one read. The truth is I can't blame anyone for not reading. My pain has always been carried by me alone. It has always been that way. I have shouldered my burden and the rest of the worlds for 22 years now.....I might as well get on with the next 22......and all the while I can't help but think can I really take anymore......and now the armor will go back on....tighter than ever before....protecting my soul and the place where my heart once beat.....