sholing

Strange..being in this space. surrounded by these walls with the hum of the computer and the whaling outside. With the open window comes a cool breeze that leaves my nipples alert and the hairs on my arm stand. strange, living this particular life. i don't even know where it came from, it was just one day my life. When i was younger i had no dreams of the future, no dreams of a perfect wedding and the perfect dress for my big day. no perfect guy was mapped out in my head. i never wanted to be some important doctor or some savvy lawyer. Aren't those the things kids dream about? I had/have this friend all growing up who had dreams like that, so i played along and pretended like i cared about what she was talking about and i even made up some fake perfect wedding in my head for her, even what kind of dress i would be wearing. Don't know why, i've always had this urge inside me to appease everyone. i guess to "fit in", but who fucking knows. you also have to know this girl she made me feel like a piece of shit every time i had a thought of my own. she still does it whenever i see her. I'm seriously resorted back to a fuckin shy 10 yr old. i do that a lot with any sort of attack on my ego. but anyway I've never even really wanted to be anything, i mean unless rockstar counts, but i 'm too grounded to shoot for something like that. i just wanted to get the fuck out of the homeland and see where it went from there. so i guess this life isn't so strange. it's just what happens when you finally do things without everyones approval. i like it here. it's relaxed, it's mine. when i'm here i'm not fighting for someones acceptance i'm just doing it. it's a good feeling. I'm high and rambeling off my thoughts as they come. sorry if your reading this and i'm wasting your time. but it's all kinda important to me. it's in my head you know. ooo*distracted* Maury's on.