shiverschills

Two minutes, two centuries...it all ticks by so quickly. I'm sitting here alone in my room again...bored, lonely and sexually frustrated. It sickens me to think that this is what has become of my life...its depressing. All my dreams and hopes have left me... apathy has taken control of my life. I'm 24 and still living with my parents... and all the schooling and education Ive gone through has amounted to nothing, but tens of thousands of dollars of debt in student loanswhich I have no hope at all of repaying anytime soon. I'm trapped in this place with a dead end job that I hate. I can't afford to quit or I'll go bankrupt or worse be living on the street. I work INSANE hours and my pay checks barely break even with my bills and interest payments I dont make enough right now to actually pay down any of my loans, just the interest. I cant afford to eat or buy my medication Ive been slowly lowering the amount I take so that I dont go into shock when my supply finally runs out. For the last month I have been surviving on apples and pop, little else. When my parents took me out for dinner for my birthday I practically breathed in my meal it was gone so fast. I suppose there is some good out of this; I have wanted to lose weight, I was getting tired of looking in the mirror and seeing a fat 200 lb loser. Its probably one of the main reasons Im perpetually single Im not exactly attractive by any means; In fact, I hate the way I look! I feel so fucking ugly. My depression doesn't help me any either... its hard to find anyone that can put up with it. They shouldn't have to either...I don't want to burden another with my problems, so i distance myself from everyone. I believe in Healing thy self...I will never allow myself to become dependant on another to pull myself together...relationships like that fail every time. Deep down I know I'm a good person and am capable of so much love... but without someone to care about its wasted and only causes me to hate myself further since i can't find a gf to save my life. The same goes for many other things in my life... I once had so much potential, I had dreams...I made plans, I saw a future that i wanted. But I allowed myself to lose sight of the big picture...I focused on the wrong things, stupid random, meaningless things i though were so important. I made bad choices and now i have to live with it. Even now... there is a girl that i like and share SO much in common with, but i feel that i have already ruined my chances, i was too honest...I told her how i felt and i should have just kept my mouth shut. I'm so fucking stupid... I got my hopes up and I should have known better, everytime i try i screw up... What is wrong with me? besides the obvious...