shivasshakti

Im feeling disgusting and disgusted, and I turn on the TV, which I know will make it worse but I do it anyway. I turn on the TV and theres a Valentines Day commercial for diamonds, a man giving a woman a ring and she gasping and crying at the sentimentality and love and perfection and promise of it all.

I remember when I almost got my own diamond and Im sick. I laughed at him, not thinking he was serious, and then flipped out, of course. I remember dreading the smell of him, counting the minutes until hed come home again and Id inevitably have to leave. I remember him hating my family and them hating him. I remember him telling me that his priorities would always come before mine. I cant do it, cant fathom doing it all over again every fucking day of the rest of my life. I say no, as nicely as a person can break anothers heart, and he cries.

Then I remember the time we camped at Glacier in Canada and we stood looking over this mountain lake at sunset and he hugged me from behind and whispered in my ear, I need to fuck you right now and we thrashed around, sweating in the middle of the forest, me topless and pushing my lace panties aside who wears a lace thong on a camping trip, anyway? and his zipper undone and him pushing out of it and it all seemed so perfect. I remember the times I gave him head while he drove, the times we snuck onto the roof of our apartment building to fuck over the city lights. I remember flashing my tits at him just to see the reaction on his face; surprise and pleasure and lust. I remember grinding my ass against his cock in the middle of the grocery store just to feel how he wanted me. I remember wearing no panties with short skirts just to see the jealous fucking look on his face. I remember licking his earlobes, down his chest, stomach, and that part between his leg and his stomach, and giving him head as he talked on the phone, even to his fucking mother, who hated me and resented the fact that I had more of his attention than she did. I remember getting sweaty as hell fucking in our tent on the beach at Bear Lake and then running naked into the lake. I remember teasing him with a beer bottle between my legs as he drove me home, drunk again. I remember laughing sweetly as I talked dirty, trying desperately to pull off the good-girl act I knew I never could. I remember all the good times, and Im sick again. Ive thrown it all away.

But then I remember all the times every goddamn time that I ignored him as we fucked. I laughed coyly when he asked me to look at him, and rolled my eyes when he got mad that I wouldnt.

So it's fine, really.