shivasshakti

Thought the First

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

Who couldn't love Jack Handey?

I have the largest, most irrational fear of clowns, and I blame it on Stephen King's It, which I watched with my dad (who was not, in fact, killed by clowns at a circus) way too young.

True story:

When I was eighteen years old, I went on a school trip to Costa Rica. And the trip's awesome, right? We get to hike in the jungle, drink crazy blue drinks and skinny dip in Costa Rican hot springs, hold real sloths, almost die on the tiniest backroads I've ever seen...it's a fun trip, mostly.

But anyway, so we're at some bowling alley one night, and for some reason there's a parade - yeah, a parade inside a bowling alley - it must've been some holiday or something, but I'm not positive 'cause I think I was pretty drunk. So there's this parade, inside a bowling alley, and our tour guide - no shit, the guy's name is Bernie - hears my little brother telling a girl that I'm scared of clowns and it's going to be hilarious when they come out. Meanwhile, I see the clowns and try to make a run for the bathroom 'til they're gone, 'cause I don't want to make an ass of myself. But Bernie, that bastard, thinks he'll play a funny - funny, haha - joke on me.

So the guy intercepts me and waves a clown over - this big beast of a clown, on stilts with a huge mask - it must've been twice my size. So Bernie's waving this clown over, and I can feel my stomach getting tight, and my face getting red, but I'm just sorta frozen to the ground. And the motherfucking clown runs - runs on those wooden stilts - over to me and gives me a big, giant, mask-covered kiss right on the top of the head. I'm trying to play it cool and giggle a little, but I start thinking about this giant clown who's just kissed me and is now looking at me and waiting for a smile or a hug or a laugh or something. So I start doing that hysterical thing - y'know, where you laugh so hard you just look like a schizo? Like, I'm almost positive I'm going to pee my pants, right here in front of the entire bowling alley, who's now staring at me to see what I'll do next. And I'm laughing, I think, but somewhere in between all the madness I start crying - no, bawling - in front of the whole damn clown posse, plus my tour group - including my little brother, an ex-boyfriend, my Spanish teacher, and 20 or so other classmates. I'm literally sobbing for like 20 minutes, and my mother - who's decided to chaperone this trip - has to come over, shoo the clowns away, usher me into the bathroom, and hold my hand until I stop my hysterics.

Thanks, Mom. But damn that Bernie.


Thought the Second

I have blisters on my left hand from showin' 'em how it's done at the batting cages today.


Thought the Third

I hate - no, really, I hate - the fact that I'm growing up. 24 feels so old to me. How, exactly, does one grow old "gracefully"?


Thought the Fourth

Law school: yay or nay?


Thought the Fifth

I'm not photogenic at all, and would like to be. Mostly because of the vanity I'd like to think doesn't exist in me, but also because...well, no, there's nothing else. It's purely vanity.


Thought the Sixth

Red wine, crickets, and jazz were meant for each other, wouldn't you say?


Thought the Seventh

I have recently decided to love cricket. The sport, not the bug. I'll let you know what happens.


Thought the Eighth

I'm firmly convinced that the Reds will be good this year.


Thought the Ninth

I'm addicted to Smallville, and just ordered Season One of Veronica Mars. This spiral into the abyss of teen dramas cannot be a good one. Or can it?


Thought the Tenth

I am absolutely loving the new Yeah Yeah Yeahs album.


Thought the Eleventh

It's warm again, and I like that.


So, now then:

* What's your irrational fear?