shiva1

I am still here. I am just losing all desire to do anything. Getting out of bed has turned into a huge chore. I have been working the midnight shift with Dza this week. This shift kills me. If I was going to be upset over my breakup before, sleep deprivation has made me completely depressd. I can't be rational. I have talked to him since all this has happened. You know what he said? He said he would never have a relationship with me because I called the cops on him? Oh, I'm sorry...did you now break into my fucking house? Silly me. I have never seen anyone have such a lack of responsibility for thier actions. I know, I know, what do I care, I should worry about me..blah blah. I miss him and that is that. I'm not saying we should get back together. I am just saying he broke my heart and it is not healing. I am so sure it is not healing that I am going to go to a shrink tomorrow. It is just not normal to cry your eyes out in bed every night. And this is not exaggeration, every. night. I. cry. There has not been one day since this happened that I have felt worth anything. So that is what I am doing. There are a bunch of theories about why I feel like this. He was very manipulative. He said that he was two weeks away from buying me an engagement ring. But I called the police..etc. Someone would only say that if they were totally trying to hurt you. I don't even want to hear that I am better off, good that he showed this side now instead of if when we were married. I don't care about..you'll get over it, time heals all. I am fucked up and scaring myself over it. I am even thinking about taking a leave of absence from work. I have never acted this way in a break up before. I have been sad but always stong enough to over come it. Not this time...

St. Pats was fun. I have a date with a cop. I don't really like him but I just need a distraction.

I hope at some point I will be able to take a deep breath again.