shimba

i called my brother last night and suddenly my world fell back into place. i love him. i love my family so so much. i miss them. once a year just feels awfully empty sometimes but visiting more is difficult. well i suppose it wouldn't be. maybe i could just try harder.

but! we chitted and chatted and i laughed so hard that my cheeks were aching. my ear grew tired. i can't change ears when telephone speaking; my right ear doesn't have the greatest hearing. much hearing at all. hmm.
it was the first time i'd called him since...january? i'm unsure why we do that.


speaking to my family makes me a whee bit afraid. like if i touch my past for just one second all of my growing will become undone and i will become a mixed up child again. afraid to be seen. unable to admit anything big or real or happy. crying on the floor shutting out the world nobody to hear me over my loud loud bedroom music.
i don't think this admittedly but, i do, in my head. except i am admitting it now. so i suppose i do.

but it really didn't occur to me until i was walking to school this morning.

this morning's walk was lovely. the roads are dry and i didn't get splashed. not once! my feet are not soggy. i wasn't too warm or too cold. i just was. it was exquisite. i spell about as good as a piece of poop.

i slept like a baby. snooze snooze. deep sleep. no memorable dreams to mull over or contemplate or try to shake away. i drifted into my slumber with my arms around two spooning kitties and woke up the exact same way. it's beyond me how the three of us managed to not move an inch throughout the night. perhaps life was too perfect and decided everything had to stay the same.
just for a little while.

i miss my big brother chaddy and last night my nephew asked if i could visit next month. yes! said i. and i will. or perhaps the first weekend in may. and he and i will sit on his bed and make up stories.
or set up his goalie net in the driveway and play hockey hockey.
he always wins.


marshmallowy. that's what today is!