shimba

whee whee my little darling friend girl is out of the hospital.
i am thankful to be smothering her in love and help but nervous as i think she was let out much too soon.

i wonder: would i still be bulimic if i didn't have anyone to council? perhaps. especially i have so many people. the need to help is. needed. i definitely would be if i didn't find out how much my friends secretly spoke about me to each other.
nobody came *to* me though.
because they know that that isn't for me.

and it's strange. how i can tell you this and that and yesterday's news. and i like to give advice. but i can't get any from you. or you or you. i get tongue tied.
and anyhow.

i went to the hospital and i visited her. hello, i said. how are you feeling. those are pretty flowers. your hair is so pretty. sure i'll comb it for you. your pjs are awfully cute. how have you been sleeping?

when secretly i wanted to scream because of her tiny boney body. and because she cried as they filled her body with liquids and sugars and nutrients. how many calories are in a bag of this liquid? she asked me that. i cried. i cried because i asked my mommy the same question not too long ago it seems.
not too long at all.

i had barely slept and it was hard but it was wonderful. i brought her an apple baked with cinniminnininininin. and a teddy bear. and a huggle. and three smiles, at least. more, perhaps.

i was surprised that she called me. yes, i was indeed. and happy. and relieved. my darling dear darling.

but i didn't expect her to be so tiny and frail.
oh me oh my.

i walked into my past. into my past. an invisable mirror. and she was my reflection.

i'm going to visit her at home tomorrow. after class. and i don't know how it will be.
but i'm looking forward to it.