shibumi01

I know you are making jokes because it feels like you kinda "have to" but the pain and remorse you feel is so obvious to me. I can seriously relate and have been there more times than I can count. You wrote this in an earlier blog, "i've learned a valuable lesson though, through this last break up. if the person you love is confused, then you will be too." I gotta say man, I do not agree with that one bit.

Confusion usually starts with just one. One person who either communicate clearly. That will lead to ONE being confused. Or one person who didn't comprehend clearly what the other was communicating.
So here's the fork in the road. If you do nothing and aren't aware of the other person's confusion - then YES...it will be what you quoted. But the thing is...it doesn't have to be like that. It is everyone's responsibility in the relationship to ensure that all communication is open, honest, thorough, and correctly understood by themselves and the other person. So you are constantly in check with yourself and with her...and she is constantly responsible to be in check of herself and with you. It's the only way to keep things together for real. Once any of this slips - all of it can fall apart. It usually just gets worse and worse from this point and most couples find themselves staying together just because they don't wanna be alone...or they don't know what else to do.

So, in regards to where the two of you fell apart: Reflect on what went wrong with an open mind and without bias. See what went wrong - not to throw blame or to take blame but to learn how to both correct it and to prevent it for the future. You cannot fix the past. The best you can do is acknowledge it learn what to do right next so that you don't make that mistake again. You don't spend time with regret because that is a total waste of energy. That will only keep you from doing what you can do to "keep on keepin' on."

The experiences we have do not automatically turn to wisdom...it is the reflection that makes the difference. A lesson will continue to repeat itself until it is learned. I cannot stress that enough. It is such a simple saying but has so much meaning. It explains dysfunctional cycles, wrong partner choices, etc, etc, etc.

Honesty. I cannot stress the importance of this enough either. It has to be at the focus of everything. What you do; who you are. There is so much I want to explain to you but I feel my mind kind of racing in too many directions and I want to write everything at once but it ends up being even confusing to me. Does that make sense? I wrote a blog about this a long time ago...but there is quite a bit more I want to share with you. Relationships are actually so much easier when each of you know there is not a single thing that either is holding back from saying. Without this "gateway" problem, you find yourself with less stress both around your partner and when alone.

I have had two serious relationship since I started being 100% honest...and I mean I hold back nothing. I have never felt so sane, so healthy, and been in such healthy relationships in my life. I didn't even think such non-drama relationships were possible. There is simply nothing to bicker about or bitch about...other than the non-emotional crap such as bills and stuff.

Anyway, I don't wanna write a novel here, man (even though I probably did...ha). I just wanna say that I can seriously relate and I know how hard it is. I know that working at what I wrote above DOES make a huge difference in your relationships. It helps you grow more than anything else.

I sincerely hope that you grow from this, and I hope that the one you lost can heal and come to a point where you can both talk and see if it makes sense to repair a relationship if it can be. If it can't, at least you have the opportunity to truly learn from this lesson so you don't have this same situation cause this same pain again in the future.

I hope you find peace soon.

John

this was so not worth the 4am wake up call, but i like it.