shesinparties

When I was very young, about 7 or 8, I went to some lame day camp that I think my mom just shuttled me off to as a way to get me out of her hair. I had to ride a school bus home, and there were several. The mere thought of riding in a school bus made me cringe, I was a car kid. One day I got on the wrong bus, and rode all over my hometown and some other little nearby towns. I was really scared, but didn't want to speak up. The driver finally noticed that I was just sitting there and had no idea where I was going, and found the way to my house. I was a really fucked off weird kid.

That seemingly irrelevant story is kind of how I view my life now. Doing what I think is right, but fucking it off just a little and just going about aimlessly.

In February, I will have been at my job for 13 years. I am a waitress, no big deal there, and I really do make some good money. But sometimes I just think I need a job or a "career" that means more to me than if some random person likes their food and tips me well.

I think it boils down to my infinite fear of change. Any variance in my routine really upsets me.

However, I went to Seattle, was in a totally foreign environment for a while, left my dog that I have never been apart from, and was so fucking relaxed and calm that I think my heart slowed down a bit.

This is good I think, because sometimes my heart just fucking pounds and nothing can calm me except my dog or sleeping next to my man.

I guess I should just accept that even though change is hard for me, I am pretty tough, and will probably be okay no matter what happens.