sherrillee

Ewww......

Although I have never been on a plane, so I dont know what that feels like.

yup, hate it, espically going to and comming back from japan, and dam sexy pics you have

Thanks! Its been tough keeping a positive attitude but I've had a lot fo help in that regard. I'm not how I could handle all of this without having such great friends and the one I love.

Once again sweetie...you seem to hit the nail on the head.


I agree with you, there are many different forms of love, and at one time, I know Wylde and I loved our ex's in some fashion, we would both be lying if we said we didn't. Was it the major love, that unconditional love that we had craved and didnt quite realize we werent getting?...I believe so. Yes, there was guilt when I left - tremndous guilt, its natural to feel that way, especially after spending so long with him, but I had to do what was right for me, and in the long run, it was right for him too, even though he might not have realized it, and from what I hear through the grapevine he still quite has yet to realize it....I guess it will just take him longer.


With Wylde, it wasnt just a thunderbolt, it was the most intense thing, I almost can't describe it...I knew I had to be with him, and that literally my life, everything, depended on it, and I could feel it coming from him spirit as well, it was completely overwhelming and amazing...it was something that was just going to happen, and it's just the way the spirits were leading us...it was meant to be, and it's not just love, but it is so much more than that. It's a seep soul-binding connection, a complete commitment that cannot be broke, best freinds, lovers, confidants, all that and more...it's just everything...Everything that I was longing for for many years, and finally found in him.



You also said...

I have never even looked at it that way, and it is an interesting view on the
whole thing that I am going to have to think about, maybe Wylde should as well.


This last week, bringing all this stuff up, not just with my ex, but with Wylde's too...has really re-opened my eyes to many things, and has me looking at it all with a fresh view, so I thank you for that, I didn't realize that I needed it, but I did.

You're right on so many levels and I've been very grateful since last night to finally gain that understanding. Too often we look without when we search for the causes of problems but its not until we look within that we really find what we're looking for. In the case of my ex I always assumed that she knew how I really felt but I learned last night that never felt good about it, she never got that security she was longing for and since I couldn't give it to her she felt the need to push me away and find someone who would. She's still searching and I'm not and now that's all that is important.

You've been such a great help to both me and Phoenixgirl since we met you I've started to count you as a good friend. If you don't mind I'd like to add you to my friend's list and I'm sure Phoenixgirl would like to do that as well. We look forward to reading your blogs and hearing what you have to say very much.

Thank you for being there for us!

Sweetie...

You know I always appreciate everything you say to me, and always look forward to what you have to say....It's so funny that in the last day everything has seemed to suddenly come up...but it's a good thing, I am not shying away from it...it can be hard to see other peoples point of view on things, I lived with the guy for so long, and to try to think about him in different terms is kinda hard....I don't know what he thinks or how he feels anymore. You could be right, he couldt have just called my dad just because, but knowing who he was before, I do find that a bit of a stretch...

I started to thnk about what you said about the bashing. I honestly didnt think I was bashing him at all, and tried very hard to make sure I didnt call him names or anything, like he did to me...but sitting back and looking at it al, the way I have talked about him is a form of bashing...but I guess I feel that I should be able to talk about it, I sufered through so much with him...part of me wants to try and have some sort of final closure with him, but I am not sure how to go about it...every time we have talked, he turns everything around on me and makes me be the "bad guy" and I end up crying, I cant handle talking to him. I had though about writing him a letter, and just getting everything out, and then I changed my mind, thinking too mmuch time had passed...but now, I am thinking that I should still do it...not for his sake, but for mine, so I can have closure within myself....

Like you have said, both Wylde and I need to do that so we can focus on eachother, because that is the now, and that is whats most important.

Love you!

Thats true...I will enjoy having him home this coming week, and we will get to spend extra time at his mom,s which is a plus for sure!

I will let him know about the unemployment, I guess it couldnt hurt, they worst they can say is no, besides, they have lots of job listings there too.

I may have a job soon. My best friend works at E-Bay and if she gets me hired she gets $100 so she's getting me an application. Her dad runs the department she works for too so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it'll work out. It pays $20 an hour!

Well, you are certainly going to busy for the holidays then!...will you be touching base on SG while your gone?...and yeah, we are definately getting together as soon as you have the time!!

Of course I will be checking in....

Wylde's ex is just proof that the most beautiful flowers can grow out of a dung heep. Your daughter is lucky that she has you, Phoenixgirl, and your family to surround her with love, and counteract the effect her "donor" mother could have on her.

Note the "donor" - that means all she provided was the DNA. The rest of you provide the things that "real" mother's provide - love, guidance, support.

I have soo much to say on the whole sibling/cousin thing...I think I will write a whole blog on it, I dont have time now, so I might do that this weekend...its kinda involved.

When Wylde and I first got together, I told him that I was not looking to become a mother to his daughter, just her friend, she already had a mother, I didnt think it would be right to do that....BUT, over the last few months seeing how her "mother" really is, and how his little one has taken to me like a duck to water...I have fallen head over heals for her as much as her father, and I have such a connection to her, and love her so so much, I told him that I do want to help raise her like my own...I feel that much for her, and just want to do everything for her....and from what everyone has told me on his side of the family, I have been more to a mother to her in the last 6 months that her bio-mom ever has and most likely ever will be....

I am glad you are working trough your feelings...It takes time to heal...I have been fortunate, and my healing process has gone pretty quickly...

I think we were good for eachother in the beggining, but then again, I was 19 and he was 13 yaers older than me,....I was naive, and thought it would be a fairy-tale...he proved me wrong....And your ex wasnt the only one, mine tried to commit suicide the day after I left him..I felt so incredibly guilty, I came so very close to going back, even though it would be all for the wrong reasons...I NEVER wanted to hurt him, but I knew it would, I just wasnt expecting to that extent...but I realize now, its another teqniquemof a controlling lonely person....I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown those first couple of weeks after I left, it was so difficult, that I can barel remember everything, only bits and pieces...I guess its my minds way of protecting me.

My ex wasnt a horrible guy, but he could have been so much better...but he was a very aggressive, maniulative man, who from what I can tell now, has a fear of growing old and alone, which is now why he is with someone he should not be with (too long to get into at the moment).

I would have left anyway, even though it was the hardest and scariest thing I have ever had to do....everyone says I was so strong, but sometimes, it doesnt seem that way to me.

Thanks sweetie...really, thank you. There is a difference between advice from friends, and people "telling " you what you should be doing....I know I shouldnt let them get to me, but I have been letting it happen my whole life, so its a hard habit to break, and your right, they get "off" , and I am suffereing, for what? nothing, a waste of my energy that I need for myself, and I dont want to bring that negativity to my loved ones, they dont deserve it.



The defining moment that I knew it was never gonna get any better with my ex, was about 2 weeks before I left to be with Wylde...my ex basically screamed at me for over 2 hours telling me everything wrong I was doing, he yelled, all I could do was sit there and cry...then a couple of days later he "disspears" because he is mad at me, I am freaking out because I dont know where he is, and he blames me for it.


I was commited to Wyldechylde, when we were in eachothers arms just hugging "as friends" and I realized I was more concerned about the possibility of hurting him than I was hurting my husband...THAT'S when I knew EVERYTHING. It all hit me in that one moment, that I needed to be with him no mater what, and I would do anything to be with him.


I guess marriage and divorce is just different for everyone...its never easy no matter what. I do not feel that I betrayed my ex, I feel that he betrayed me by emotionally abusing me, and not loving me unconditionally.....and no, you can not just "turn off" love...I still have some love feelings for my ex, but its more caring that he has a good life than anything (even thought he really hurt me, but that's just how I am)....I realized that I was tuning out of the relationship emotionally myself for quite a long time before Wylde and I got together, and as far as love, true real love goes...Wylde and I have that...I feel it in every fiber of my bieng. There are many types of love, so please dont tear yourself down for how you feel, its all natural....you just have to learn and grow from it.

Are you truly happy with your husband now?....if so, then thats ALL that matters.

Wow....

Ok, I dont think there is a domino effect, it just happens when it happens, just like when you fall in love...

I was in a similar situation as you. My ex was 13 years older than me, and at first it was all good...but I was really young...19 and naive...I thought the world rvolved around him, and at first I refused to see him as he really was...now granted, we had some good times, I will never regret those times, but that doesnt make the fact that he was emotionally abusive to me, and I didnt want to admit it, until toward the end when I relized that it was never going to get any better.....

I did fall in love with someone online, in fact I met him on SG, we were friends for a year, and things were growing betweeen us, and we didnt realize it at first until we met face to face, then it became perfectly clear.....ook, so I didnt get any complete me time away from all men, but I dont regret it...I left my husband for my boyfriend, we have been together for 6 months, and I have never been happier in my entire life!!


Now, you are ALWAYS...to some extent, going to have feelings of some sort for your ex, we all do...over time they change, but you always care, you spent so much time with that person, and trust me, I did, and still do at times, do the same thing...the what-if's "did I not try hard enough" "was it ever worth saving" its a natural response, so dont beat yourslef up over it...know its all ok, and this was the path you were meant to travel.

Yeah, I know a lot will be involved with the 3some thing, but we are taking it easy....

You arent the only one who has to do the DMV thing...I am already almost 2 weeks past due, plus I have to get my car smogged too...a helpful hint...go to the DMV in Los Gatos...you get in and out quicker, and its much nicer too.

...and no, I am not consulting a Dr. on the Paxil thing...I have no insurance anymore, and I am doing it carefully on my onw, I have done some research.

Hey, since your back in town, wanna meet up sometime for coffee?