I found this parody on witchcraft on a Pagan site recently - and just had to share it. Largely because of the Witch Wannabees that I have seen on this site and the bad names they give those who have really studied their Craft with good intentions rather than just for appearances. So please take this in the spirit in which it's intended. Remember - this is a PARODY.
How to Become A Witch Wannabee in Nine Easy Lessons "
In order to be accepted in the 1990's metaphysical social set, one must have an interest in Witchcraft or Paganism. Of course, you don't have to actually belong to a coven in order to be thought of as a Witch, you can BLUFF your way into being accepted as a fully fledged Witch Wannabee simply by knowing a few terms and dressing accordingly. This brings us to...
Rule # 1: Image is Everything. After all, what's the good of being a Witch Wannabee if nobody knows you are one? You must therefore wear sexy black at all times(don't forget constant exposing of those tits). If possible, stay out of the sun until you become really pale, as this makes the effect even better. For women (and adventurous males) dark eyeliner and black nail polish can enhance this look. Also wear crystals and cheap occult paraphernalia at all times, and make sure that these are as gaudy and bizarre as possible, as this can only help your image. Wearing a pentacle around your neck is an absolutely necessary accessory - the bigger the better! Capes and cloaks are optional around town - it depends on how much of a visual impact you want to make, but either of these are also crucial apparel at any ritual or gathering that you may attend. And don't forget getting those tatoos of the usual witchcraft symbols without really understanding their meanings.
Rule # 2: Name Dropping is Good. Every serious Witch Wannabee knows the name Gerald Gardner. This man revitalised Witchcraft in the mid 1900's with his book about the true history of The Old Religion. So in conversations with other witches, quote his name as often as possible (in tones of awe) and you will always be rewarded with smiles of acceptance.
Rule # 3: Past Life Name Dropping is Even Better. Tell everyone about the past life memories that have been surfacing since you began studying the Black Arts. It is especially useful to remember a past lifetime as a Witch who was killed during the Inquisition, or at least recall a lifetime as a famous occultist. Some past lives to consider are Aleister Crowley, Cagliostro, Mandrake the Magician, and most of the cast of "Bewitched".
Rule # 4: Behave Strangely. Never forget why it was that you wanted to become a Witch Wannabee - yes, so that you have an excuse for strange behaviour. Previously labelled eccentric behaviour patterns can now be accepted by others if they have a reason to explain it, even if that reason for howling at full moons while naked is simply, "He/she is a Witch Wannabee, that's normal for them evidently." So, don't let your friends down, behave strangely, you can get away with it now.
Rule # 5: Watch Occult Movies. Make sure that you watch the movie "Warlock" lots of times to perfect those soft landings after over-indulging with the flying ointments (read as mead and weed).
Rule # 6: Ready Yourself for Sex, Money and Power. Wasn't this the other reason you were drawn to Witchcraft? In the past, adepts of the occult were known to possess charismatic, lusty and powerful personas - when people find out that you are a Witch Wannabee, they may automatically assume (and therefore empower you) with these same qualities. This may sound pretty good, but unfortunately in today's world, another group of people have become even more established within the realms of kinky sex sessions and unlimited power - yes, the politicians! Beware of this elitist group of power-brokers... they don't want any competition to their manipulative monopoly over the gullible public - hence the laws against Witchcraft and divination that have remained unchanged for centuries. So, if calling yourself a High Priestess doesn't lead you to unlimited sex, money and power - or if it does, but you then find yourself as the target of political and legal harassment - you may have to put aside your cloak and broomstick and pick up a pin-stripe suit and a back-bench in Politics. If you can't beat them, try bribery, then if that doesn't work... join them!
Rule # 7: Atmosphere is Essential. Your home must reflect your Witchy Wannabee nature. Incense must burn continuously. It's important that visitors see clouds of incense smoke billowing from a spluttering censer in the corner of your dim, dank and dusty home, so dismantle the smoke detectors and start collecting strange little bottles of exotic looking ingredients (use your imagination and label them with names like powdered bat's eyes, or dried dragon's gonads). And if you don't like housework, you can explain that the layer of dust that covers your floors and furniture helps to neutralise the highly charged psychic energy that results from your magical spells, thereby protecting your home and possessions from electromagnetic disintegration. And don't forget burning those green candles for financial riches.
Rule # 8: Be Patronising to Christians. In social discussions don't forget to make plenty of derogatory remarks about fundamentalist Christians, because we know that fostering stereotypes is always Ok when it's about someone else. And why would we want to waste time extending the same kind of tolerance that the majority of Christians express about us, to them. Let's just lump them all with the extremists of their group. And isn't it a great deal of fun discussing something we haven't actually taken the time to study and understand when we can just reject it out of hand? By all means - don't actually follow the precepts of the Wiccan lifestyle.
Rule # 9: Brag About Your Psychic Powers. Any self-respecting Witch Wannabee will tell you that after their initiation to Witchcraft, their psychic powers awakened and their tarot cards (which they always carry with them) are now much easier to read (they now get something right once in a while). They will also tell you that they can now sense energy fields (in other words, they don't bump into things as often as they used to). Follow this example and brag about the rapid development of your psychic abilities since your initiation. If asked about your initiation ceremony, simply state that you were sworn to secrecy about it, then quickly change the subject by mentioning your newly awakened ability to detect Ley-lines, but try to remember that a Ley-line is not a queue for the after-ritual orgy!
Now you know how to pass yourself off as a real Witch Wannabee, so place that broomstick in a conspicuous corner (one that is not clouded by too much incense smoke); pull on those sexy black clothes; give everyone that you meet a sinister look - and your social status will improve overnight. If you do all of this successfully, you may even find yourself with enough adoring acolytes so that you can start your own coven! Good luck and Blessed Be!
How to Become A Witch Wannabee in Nine Easy Lessons "
In order to be accepted in the 1990's metaphysical social set, one must have an interest in Witchcraft or Paganism. Of course, you don't have to actually belong to a coven in order to be thought of as a Witch, you can BLUFF your way into being accepted as a fully fledged Witch Wannabee simply by knowing a few terms and dressing accordingly. This brings us to...
Rule # 1: Image is Everything. After all, what's the good of being a Witch Wannabee if nobody knows you are one? You must therefore wear sexy black at all times(don't forget constant exposing of those tits). If possible, stay out of the sun until you become really pale, as this makes the effect even better. For women (and adventurous males) dark eyeliner and black nail polish can enhance this look. Also wear crystals and cheap occult paraphernalia at all times, and make sure that these are as gaudy and bizarre as possible, as this can only help your image. Wearing a pentacle around your neck is an absolutely necessary accessory - the bigger the better! Capes and cloaks are optional around town - it depends on how much of a visual impact you want to make, but either of these are also crucial apparel at any ritual or gathering that you may attend. And don't forget getting those tatoos of the usual witchcraft symbols without really understanding their meanings.
Rule # 2: Name Dropping is Good. Every serious Witch Wannabee knows the name Gerald Gardner. This man revitalised Witchcraft in the mid 1900's with his book about the true history of The Old Religion. So in conversations with other witches, quote his name as often as possible (in tones of awe) and you will always be rewarded with smiles of acceptance.
Rule # 3: Past Life Name Dropping is Even Better. Tell everyone about the past life memories that have been surfacing since you began studying the Black Arts. It is especially useful to remember a past lifetime as a Witch who was killed during the Inquisition, or at least recall a lifetime as a famous occultist. Some past lives to consider are Aleister Crowley, Cagliostro, Mandrake the Magician, and most of the cast of "Bewitched".
Rule # 4: Behave Strangely. Never forget why it was that you wanted to become a Witch Wannabee - yes, so that you have an excuse for strange behaviour. Previously labelled eccentric behaviour patterns can now be accepted by others if they have a reason to explain it, even if that reason for howling at full moons while naked is simply, "He/she is a Witch Wannabee, that's normal for them evidently." So, don't let your friends down, behave strangely, you can get away with it now.
Rule # 5: Watch Occult Movies. Make sure that you watch the movie "Warlock" lots of times to perfect those soft landings after over-indulging with the flying ointments (read as mead and weed).
Rule # 6: Ready Yourself for Sex, Money and Power. Wasn't this the other reason you were drawn to Witchcraft? In the past, adepts of the occult were known to possess charismatic, lusty and powerful personas - when people find out that you are a Witch Wannabee, they may automatically assume (and therefore empower you) with these same qualities. This may sound pretty good, but unfortunately in today's world, another group of people have become even more established within the realms of kinky sex sessions and unlimited power - yes, the politicians! Beware of this elitist group of power-brokers... they don't want any competition to their manipulative monopoly over the gullible public - hence the laws against Witchcraft and divination that have remained unchanged for centuries. So, if calling yourself a High Priestess doesn't lead you to unlimited sex, money and power - or if it does, but you then find yourself as the target of political and legal harassment - you may have to put aside your cloak and broomstick and pick up a pin-stripe suit and a back-bench in Politics. If you can't beat them, try bribery, then if that doesn't work... join them!
Rule # 7: Atmosphere is Essential. Your home must reflect your Witchy Wannabee nature. Incense must burn continuously. It's important that visitors see clouds of incense smoke billowing from a spluttering censer in the corner of your dim, dank and dusty home, so dismantle the smoke detectors and start collecting strange little bottles of exotic looking ingredients (use your imagination and label them with names like powdered bat's eyes, or dried dragon's gonads). And if you don't like housework, you can explain that the layer of dust that covers your floors and furniture helps to neutralise the highly charged psychic energy that results from your magical spells, thereby protecting your home and possessions from electromagnetic disintegration. And don't forget burning those green candles for financial riches.
Rule # 8: Be Patronising to Christians. In social discussions don't forget to make plenty of derogatory remarks about fundamentalist Christians, because we know that fostering stereotypes is always Ok when it's about someone else. And why would we want to waste time extending the same kind of tolerance that the majority of Christians express about us, to them. Let's just lump them all with the extremists of their group. And isn't it a great deal of fun discussing something we haven't actually taken the time to study and understand when we can just reject it out of hand? By all means - don't actually follow the precepts of the Wiccan lifestyle.
Rule # 9: Brag About Your Psychic Powers. Any self-respecting Witch Wannabee will tell you that after their initiation to Witchcraft, their psychic powers awakened and their tarot cards (which they always carry with them) are now much easier to read (they now get something right once in a while). They will also tell you that they can now sense energy fields (in other words, they don't bump into things as often as they used to). Follow this example and brag about the rapid development of your psychic abilities since your initiation. If asked about your initiation ceremony, simply state that you were sworn to secrecy about it, then quickly change the subject by mentioning your newly awakened ability to detect Ley-lines, but try to remember that a Ley-line is not a queue for the after-ritual orgy!
Now you know how to pass yourself off as a real Witch Wannabee, so place that broomstick in a conspicuous corner (one that is not clouded by too much incense smoke); pull on those sexy black clothes; give everyone that you meet a sinister look - and your social status will improve overnight. If you do all of this successfully, you may even find yourself with enough adoring acolytes so that you can start your own coven! Good luck and Blessed Be!
And don't forget getting those tatoos of the usual witchcraft symbols without really understanding their meanings.
Made me chuckle.
my daughter the wannabe has told me that tonight is an important holiday for wiccans.
she is upstairs with another 12 year old doing spa facials with organic avocados and almonds
what that has to do with the rebirth of spring i dunno
be well witchy woman
she's got the moon in her eye--yis