sherrillee

MY First Commandment - "Be Sherrillee"

Being Sherrillee, and accepting my true likes and dislikes, also means that I have to face the fact that I will never visit a jazz club at midnight, or hang out in artists studios, or jet off to Paris for the weekend, or pack up to go on safari on a spring dawn. I wont be admired for my chic wardrobe or be appointed to a high government office. I love fortune cookies and refuse to try chocolate covered ants.

Now, you might think Well, okay, but why does that make you sad? You dont want to visit a jazz club at midnight anyway, so why does it make you sad to know that you dont want to do that? If you wanted to, of course you could.

It makes me sad for two reasons. First, it makes me sad to realize my limitations. The world offers so much! And, I am too small to appreciate it. I've read that the curse of Yale Law School is "to try to die with your options open". Which means -- at some point, you have to pursue one option, which means foreclosing other options, and to try to avoid that is crazy. Similarly, to "Be Sherrillee" means to let go of all the things that I am not -- to acknowledge what I don't encompass.

But it also makes me sad because, in many ways, I wish I were different. One of my "Secrets of Adulthood" is You can choose what you do, but you cant choose what you like to do. I have a lot of notions about what I wish I liked to do, of the subjects and occupations that I wish interested me. But it doesnt matter what I wish I were like. I am Sherrillee.

Once I realized this, I saw that this problem is quite more widespread. A person wants to teach high school, but wishes he wanted to be a banker. Or vice versa. A person has a service heart but doesnt want to put it to use. Someone wants to be a stay-at-home mother but wishes she wanted to work; another person wants to work but wishes she wanted to be a stay-at-home mother. And its possible -- in fact quite easy -- to construct a life quite unrelated to our nature.

People judge us; we judge ourselves.

And, just as I must Be Sherrillee and accept myself, strengths and weaknesses both, I must also accept everyone around me. This is most true of my family.

Its very hard not to project onto your family everything you wish they would be. You should be more friendly" - to my sister, You would love to be able to play the piano, why dont you practice? - to my niece Dont be scared - to my nephew.

And its even harder to accept your spouse. A friend told me that her mantra for marriage was I love Leo, just as he is. I remind myself of this constantly. I wish the Big Man got a big kick out of decorating the housefor the holidays and that he was more eager to pass out gold stars, and sometimes it makes me sad to realize that he won't ever be that way. Im sure he wishes that I were eager to go camping and that I had a more peacable nature. But I love him just the way he is, and Im a lot happier when I dont expect him to change. Just as choosing one path can forever change all your other options - changing one quality may result in other changes that I cannot foresee and my not want. Would asking him to be more proactive around th house - render him less sweet?

The fact is, we can change no one but ourselves.

Thats another paradox of happiness: I want to Be Sherrillee, yet I also want to change myself for the better.

Now, you might say again, "Why does all this make you sad? Rejoice in what you are; be authentic," etc., etc. But it does make me feel sad sometimes.

So I must be true to me - the good, the bad, the weak, the strong, my talents, my limitations. I must be true to my essence - because noone else can be a better me.

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