An old girlfriend of mine told me yesterday that she was separating from her husband. Which came as a complete shock to me - since by all appearances it appeared that they had that fairytale romance.
It occurred to me that over the past year many of my friends had gone through "divorce flu". When I divorced my ex three years ago, I was the first of the group. I felt so alone going through the process - and such a failure. Lucky for me there were no children involved - because at least then the relationship could be cleanly severed without the bitterness I'm witnessing with my friends.
Can you believe that over this past year I have seen eight friends separate? And, startling enough - all of them leaving their husbands for someone they met on the internet. I didn't leave my ex for another, I left because we had become dysfunctional and I wanted to at least remain friends. (That was nave of me, there's no way to leave and still stay friends.) The irony of it was that he was emotionally cheating on me for over a year before we separated with someone HE met on the internet - which I didn't find out until after we separated.
After we separated, we still had to live together until the house sold - which took forever. After about five months, I was asked out on a date - and thought, Ok, why not? When I returned from the date, my ex accused me of starting again too soon. I responded, how long is long enough? Is it one year, ten months, two weeks, five days - how long is long enough? Later that day as I passed his room, the door was open and I heard him say "I love you", on the phone. Our eyes connected, and he knew that I heard. So after he concluded his conversation he sought me out to apologize for my hearing him say that. I just looked him in the eyes, and said, don't apologize. You just did me a favor. You just told me how long, is long enough!
I moved out the next day.
So my question is - is there a domino effect at play here? Does witnessing your friends go through the process actually cause you to re-evaluate and re-assess your own situation?
Are we too quick to abandon our old relationships - to run off with the new?
Are we just seeking the initial "bells and whistles" associated with a new relationship rather than engage in the less exciting art of compromise and give and take there is in maintaining an ongoing relationship?
When I think back on my relationship with my ex - I can freely admit that for part of the relationship - he was the right person for me. But the age difference (15 years older) came into play as he hit his mid-life crisis early. We became really dysfunctional together. Although I am happier with my husband than I've ever been in my life, I still find myself looking back and wondering if I let my ex go without really trying - and where the relationship would have gone if I had "hung in there".
After my divorce, I spent a year alone - to reacquaint myself with myself. And then, I started dating again. (I think that dating and hell are synonymous terms). And just when I had thought that I should give up - I met him at Starbucks - just a complete random conversation that turned into love at first sight.
Now that I'm with him, I question whether I was ever in love at all with my ex. This feeling is so much deeper - so much more intense. We were married within a few months of meeting. Everyone said we were crazy for moving so quickly. But why wait when you know its right?
Right now I miss him so much it physically hurts.
So what are your stories?
What was your "defining" moment with your ex when you knew that it was all over?
How did you meet your current lover? Was it love at first sight, or did it develop over time?
It occurred to me that over the past year many of my friends had gone through "divorce flu". When I divorced my ex three years ago, I was the first of the group. I felt so alone going through the process - and such a failure. Lucky for me there were no children involved - because at least then the relationship could be cleanly severed without the bitterness I'm witnessing with my friends.
Can you believe that over this past year I have seen eight friends separate? And, startling enough - all of them leaving their husbands for someone they met on the internet. I didn't leave my ex for another, I left because we had become dysfunctional and I wanted to at least remain friends. (That was nave of me, there's no way to leave and still stay friends.) The irony of it was that he was emotionally cheating on me for over a year before we separated with someone HE met on the internet - which I didn't find out until after we separated.
After we separated, we still had to live together until the house sold - which took forever. After about five months, I was asked out on a date - and thought, Ok, why not? When I returned from the date, my ex accused me of starting again too soon. I responded, how long is long enough? Is it one year, ten months, two weeks, five days - how long is long enough? Later that day as I passed his room, the door was open and I heard him say "I love you", on the phone. Our eyes connected, and he knew that I heard. So after he concluded his conversation he sought me out to apologize for my hearing him say that. I just looked him in the eyes, and said, don't apologize. You just did me a favor. You just told me how long, is long enough!
I moved out the next day.
So my question is - is there a domino effect at play here? Does witnessing your friends go through the process actually cause you to re-evaluate and re-assess your own situation?
Are we too quick to abandon our old relationships - to run off with the new?
Are we just seeking the initial "bells and whistles" associated with a new relationship rather than engage in the less exciting art of compromise and give and take there is in maintaining an ongoing relationship?
When I think back on my relationship with my ex - I can freely admit that for part of the relationship - he was the right person for me. But the age difference (15 years older) came into play as he hit his mid-life crisis early. We became really dysfunctional together. Although I am happier with my husband than I've ever been in my life, I still find myself looking back and wondering if I let my ex go without really trying - and where the relationship would have gone if I had "hung in there".
After my divorce, I spent a year alone - to reacquaint myself with myself. And then, I started dating again. (I think that dating and hell are synonymous terms). And just when I had thought that I should give up - I met him at Starbucks - just a complete random conversation that turned into love at first sight.
Now that I'm with him, I question whether I was ever in love at all with my ex. This feeling is so much deeper - so much more intense. We were married within a few months of meeting. Everyone said we were crazy for moving so quickly. But why wait when you know its right?
Right now I miss him so much it physically hurts.
So what are your stories?
What was your "defining" moment with your ex when you knew that it was all over?
How did you meet your current lover? Was it love at first sight, or did it develop over time?
Ok, I dont think there is a domino effect, it just happens when it happens, just like when you fall in love...
I was in a similar situation as you. My ex was 13 years older than me, and at first it was all good...but I was really young...19 and naive...I thought the world rvolved around him, and at first I refused to see him as he really was...now granted, we had some good times, I will never regret those times, but that doesnt make the fact that he was emotionally abusive to me, and I didnt want to admit it, until toward the end when I relized that it was never going to get any better.....
I did fall in love with someone online, in fact I met him on SG, we were friends for a year, and things were growing betweeen us, and we didnt realize it at first until we met face to face, then it became perfectly clear.....ook, so I didnt get any complete me time away from all men, but I dont regret it...I left my husband for my boyfriend, we have been together for 6 months, and I have never been happier in my entire life!!
Now, you are ALWAYS...to some extent, going to have feelings of some sort for your ex, we all do...over time they change, but you always care, you spent so much time with that person, and trust me, I did, and still do at times, do the same thing...the what-if's "did I not try hard enough" "was it ever worth saving" its a natural response, so dont beat yourslef up over it...know its all ok, and this was the path you were meant to travel.