So I've noticed a lot of girls have been posting or have posted in the past their criteria for dating and their stipulations for the "perfect guy". And while I personally do not believe that such a man could ever exist in this reality, I was intrigued by some of the requirements these girls have for said man. Some were very reasonable and simple. Others were downright unconscionable and upsetting to even read to myself. But it got me to thinking. What standards (if any) do I have in order to identify Ms. Right? As I thought about it, I quickly realized that I had none. So I made a bunch of shit up. So without further ado I present:
Shema's Fucking Impossible List of Demands for Women
1) Must have the ability to increase and decrease between 5'4'' and 6'2'' in height, as per my needs. *schedule will be provided*
2) Must be naked exactly 78% of the time, regardless of time of day or circumstance.
3) Possess the ability to increase and decrease boob mass to between 36C and 52W for publicity purposes. *Boobs must have one nipple with and one nipple without an areola, because I like to party
*
4) Must be able to assure me that I look fantastic without a haircut and without having shaved for a month. In sincere honesty, and with a straight face.
5) Must constantly convince me that I am not cynical or mean, but that I am totally awesome and everyone else is just ridiculous. And wrong. *must provide examples to support your position*
6) Have hair that I can actually play with and wont cause my death if I dare to touch it ( I'm looking at you black women).
7) Wear black double ex-large abayas when in public so no one can possibly know what you have going on, except me.
8) Must have the ability to stfu sometimes so I can plan my day and decide what my next move should be without having to endure your incessant nagging and cutting remarks to my manhood.
9) Know. The. Pole.
10) Never, ever, ever, ever, ever mean the exact opposite of what you say and vice versa. Ever.
11) If I ask you if I can bring home another woman for us to enjoy, smile suggestively and give a look as though your considering it as to make me believe that I am one step closer to pulling that off.
12) Be able to suspend your menstrual cycle with a remote at the beginning of each month and then turn that remote in to me so I know you don't have that as an excuse. And fuck your headaches.
13) Generally look perfect without ever having to leave my line of sight.
14) Cook. Because I'm not gonna. Acceptable foods are poultry, exotic foods such as tacos and Wonton soup and the cream from Oreo cookies, carved into the shape of a bowl and filled with melted M&M's.
15) Be independent, without shoving it down my fucking throat.
16) If you are a woman and are still reading this and is not pissed off, marry me. *common law only*
17) Don't die before me. Because I'm competitive and that shit will piss me off.
18) If you want a goddamn wedding ring so much, you wear it. Don't force me to do so.
19) Always be jealous if you see other women talking to me. Never talk to anyone without me being present to stare at the back of your head like this...
20) And finally...be willing to compromise in order to reach common ground for the benefit of the relationship. In other words, never usurp my authority. Because my word is law.
So there you are. I'm pretty sure that the next lucky lady I meet will have no problem stepping up to the plate and adhering to these fair and simple guidelines for dating me. All applicants should send your resume, along with an updated full body photo of you wearing an abaya to my SG message box. I look forward to dating you all...at the same time.
Shema's Fucking Impossible List of Demands for Women
1) Must have the ability to increase and decrease between 5'4'' and 6'2'' in height, as per my needs. *schedule will be provided*
2) Must be naked exactly 78% of the time, regardless of time of day or circumstance.
3) Possess the ability to increase and decrease boob mass to between 36C and 52W for publicity purposes. *Boobs must have one nipple with and one nipple without an areola, because I like to party
*4) Must be able to assure me that I look fantastic without a haircut and without having shaved for a month. In sincere honesty, and with a straight face.
5) Must constantly convince me that I am not cynical or mean, but that I am totally awesome and everyone else is just ridiculous. And wrong. *must provide examples to support your position*
6) Have hair that I can actually play with and wont cause my death if I dare to touch it ( I'm looking at you black women).
7) Wear black double ex-large abayas when in public so no one can possibly know what you have going on, except me.
8) Must have the ability to stfu sometimes so I can plan my day and decide what my next move should be without having to endure your incessant nagging and cutting remarks to my manhood.
9) Know. The. Pole.
10) Never, ever, ever, ever, ever mean the exact opposite of what you say and vice versa. Ever.
11) If I ask you if I can bring home another woman for us to enjoy, smile suggestively and give a look as though your considering it as to make me believe that I am one step closer to pulling that off.
12) Be able to suspend your menstrual cycle with a remote at the beginning of each month and then turn that remote in to me so I know you don't have that as an excuse. And fuck your headaches.
13) Generally look perfect without ever having to leave my line of sight.
14) Cook. Because I'm not gonna. Acceptable foods are poultry, exotic foods such as tacos and Wonton soup and the cream from Oreo cookies, carved into the shape of a bowl and filled with melted M&M's.
15) Be independent, without shoving it down my fucking throat.
16) If you are a woman and are still reading this and is not pissed off, marry me. *common law only*
17) Don't die before me. Because I'm competitive and that shit will piss me off.
18) If you want a goddamn wedding ring so much, you wear it. Don't force me to do so.
19) Always be jealous if you see other women talking to me. Never talk to anyone without me being present to stare at the back of your head like this...
20) And finally...be willing to compromise in order to reach common ground for the benefit of the relationship. In other words, never usurp my authority. Because my word is law.
So there you are. I'm pretty sure that the next lucky lady I meet will have no problem stepping up to the plate and adhering to these fair and simple guidelines for dating me. All applicants should send your resume, along with an updated full body photo of you wearing an abaya to my SG message box. I look forward to dating you all...at the same time.
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LOL!
That was hilarious,btw