So the story goes...My mother shamed me for being a man, having sex at 16, with my dead brother's girlfriend two weeks after he died. She said" you are just like you father." My father had had numerous sexual adventures with other woman other than my mother. And one very long one which was happening when she said that. What I was doing with my brother's girlfriend was quite complex. I was 16 and very full of male hormones . Plus I needed someone to hold onto , someone who knew my brother,so that we could share our grief and love of him in a sexual way. And I looked a lot like him so she was drawn to me. And she was full of hormones herself being 18 or 19. We had cuddled all week and listened to Joni Mitchell tapes that she, Steve(my brother) and I loved. It was the night before she left to go back home that we made love. Drawn to each other as we needed to be held, comforted and loved as our grief was so strong.
And I told my mom about it..........And she said I was like my father?? What the Fuck?? She was clueless!! She didn't inquire why it happened or exactly what had happened. Yet those words are burned into me and I still carry my father's guilt which my mom so heavily put on him.And that is guilt I need to shed for I am not my father. That is quite a mistake for me to think that. For I am Me.....Me.....Me.....And I did not do to my mother what my father had. My mom was so hurt and full of pain that she spewed her anger and hurt onto me... I was the only male around. It is time for me to let go of that. Any good ideas on exactly how to do this would be greatly appreciated. Like some kind of ritual where I could symbolize letting go of that guilt, that untrue guilt that has affected me so much. I need to do this o rmy sexual life will continue to go into the down word spiral it has been in for 30 years. It is time to let go. .I love you all Namaste
And I told my mom about it..........And she said I was like my father?? What the Fuck?? She was clueless!! She didn't inquire why it happened or exactly what had happened. Yet those words are burned into me and I still carry my father's guilt which my mom so heavily put on him.And that is guilt I need to shed for I am not my father. That is quite a mistake for me to think that. For I am Me.....Me.....Me.....And I did not do to my mother what my father had. My mom was so hurt and full of pain that she spewed her anger and hurt onto me... I was the only male around. It is time for me to let go of that. Any good ideas on exactly how to do this would be greatly appreciated. Like some kind of ritual where I could symbolize letting go of that guilt, that untrue guilt that has affected me so much. I need to do this o rmy sexual life will continue to go into the down word spiral it has been in for 30 years. It is time to let go. .I love you all Namaste
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You're so correct; you're not your father. It's hard to be a mother, it's hard to lose one of your children. She is human too, and was just showing the imperfect side of herself that we all have. Moms fuck up sometimes. I'm sorry the words she said in grief and pain had such an effect on you.
I find the best way to remove feelings that I know fundamentally are untrue, and I know are hurting me, is to wash them off. Now that it's nice out maybe you should find a good lake for a nice cleansing swim to wash off all that awful and remember that you're your own person, and every person has an amazing capacity for love.
I'll never cease to be amazed at the amazing strength sensitive people have.
Bad that your mum said that..she shoulda understood....and seen it from your point of view not an outsider's view...and it is time to let go of that guilt and burden you've been carrying around...but I can understand it might have been part of the grief she was feeling....you're not your father and maybe it was words only said in the heat of the moment...maybe you do need some kinda cleansing ritual...I'm not too sure which one but I hope you can find one that works for you... hugs .....xxxxxxxxx