gone...
I almost let all of this ruin me, but as of today, I am sarah again. I will always love what we had, and even always love him... I will forever... But in order to do that, I have to realize that he too loves me... enough to force me into a life of reality, to make me face my fears... to free me from the isolation and darkness we created together... but it also hurts to lose all the bright things we had together.. that's just part of the process though I guess.
I belong to no one, but I still belong in this world.
I went to the bar with this boy I've been spending a lot of time with (ie: sleepovers, movies, snuggling, all that...) and we were accompanied by a kid he works with and his wieeeerd girlfriend, who proceeded to ask me wierd questions all night and talk about totally gross inappropriate stuff all night... Like menstration and her mom. At one point in the night, she asked the question I had been dreading, but knew she would ask.. "so how long have you two been together or dating or whatever?"
ahhhhhhhhhh
he and I haven't even began to even touch on the subject of whether or not we are dating, just hanging out, seeing what happens, or if we are in some realm of "together."
so instead of what I would normally do, which would be to tell her that I don't think either of us are really certain at this point and that her question makes us both uncomfortable...which would have put her in her place...
I giggled. I laughed and laughed and hid my face and didn't say anything at all, and he did the same thing.... so she proceeded to ask many many more times throughout the night, and got the same response.
he and I also brought it up later, in what seemed like an attempt to discuss the situation, but instead we both just kinda laughed and said "yep-that was wierd." While inside I was screaming trying to get myself to say, "so what do you think is really going on with us, cuz I'm not really sure?"
fuck---how hard would that have been. Why do I act like I'm 13... I used to be so outspoken and not shy. fuck fuck fuck
I don't even know who I am anymore.... But I need to get ahold of myself, I can't let shit like this stomp all over me.
I totally didn't stand up for myself in the situation the other day, which is somewhat what made me realize that I have been out of sorts. I don't usually ever filter my thoughts from what I say and I let some wierdo make me feel unsure about myself and uncomfortable instead of just saying what I thought and putting them in their place. I got too worried about how I would look if I were to assume to some degree. People do that, so what? I'm human. Geez. No more of that bullshit--
loudmouth sarah is back-Roar!
he and I are going camping this weekend, should be fun!
long story short about this swimsuits: when my best friend hedge was little, her mother abandoned her, and left nothing, no phone number, nothing... she did however, leave two old bikinis at hedge's house.... 60's-70's ish style... barely worn. Hedge was a very unshapely youth, no breasts to speak of etc. so she wanted me very badly to have them.. and it seemed important that someone else take them.. someone who could help care for her in ways that her mother never would. So I took them. Hedge got hit by a car in her youth, and we spent many many late nights in her room teaching her to talk correctly again... I gave her haircuts, gave her a place to stay, and she gave me so much more in return as well. A friendship like that will never die. I still wear the swimsuits, even though now she lives in california with her new husband thousands of miles away. I still wear them, I always will.
so I think I like this boy, but it's hard for me to open up because I am just getting out of a 5-6 year relationship. I would love to continue to spend time with him, but I can tell that he wants to know...and I would like to know what our status is.. Should I ask? It would really alleviate a lot of uncomfortable pressure if we both knew what the other wanted out of the time we spend together....but it's just such a wierd thing to bring up.
Should I?
I almost let all of this ruin me, but as of today, I am sarah again. I will always love what we had, and even always love him... I will forever... But in order to do that, I have to realize that he too loves me... enough to force me into a life of reality, to make me face my fears... to free me from the isolation and darkness we created together... but it also hurts to lose all the bright things we had together.. that's just part of the process though I guess.
I belong to no one, but I still belong in this world.
I went to the bar with this boy I've been spending a lot of time with (ie: sleepovers, movies, snuggling, all that...) and we were accompanied by a kid he works with and his wieeeerd girlfriend, who proceeded to ask me wierd questions all night and talk about totally gross inappropriate stuff all night... Like menstration and her mom. At one point in the night, she asked the question I had been dreading, but knew she would ask.. "so how long have you two been together or dating or whatever?"
ahhhhhhhhhh
he and I haven't even began to even touch on the subject of whether or not we are dating, just hanging out, seeing what happens, or if we are in some realm of "together."
so instead of what I would normally do, which would be to tell her that I don't think either of us are really certain at this point and that her question makes us both uncomfortable...which would have put her in her place...
I giggled. I laughed and laughed and hid my face and didn't say anything at all, and he did the same thing.... so she proceeded to ask many many more times throughout the night, and got the same response.
he and I also brought it up later, in what seemed like an attempt to discuss the situation, but instead we both just kinda laughed and said "yep-that was wierd." While inside I was screaming trying to get myself to say, "so what do you think is really going on with us, cuz I'm not really sure?"
fuck---how hard would that have been. Why do I act like I'm 13... I used to be so outspoken and not shy. fuck fuck fuck
I don't even know who I am anymore.... But I need to get ahold of myself, I can't let shit like this stomp all over me.
I totally didn't stand up for myself in the situation the other day, which is somewhat what made me realize that I have been out of sorts. I don't usually ever filter my thoughts from what I say and I let some wierdo make me feel unsure about myself and uncomfortable instead of just saying what I thought and putting them in their place. I got too worried about how I would look if I were to assume to some degree. People do that, so what? I'm human. Geez. No more of that bullshit--
loudmouth sarah is back-Roar!
he and I are going camping this weekend, should be fun!
long story short about this swimsuits: when my best friend hedge was little, her mother abandoned her, and left nothing, no phone number, nothing... she did however, leave two old bikinis at hedge's house.... 60's-70's ish style... barely worn. Hedge was a very unshapely youth, no breasts to speak of etc. so she wanted me very badly to have them.. and it seemed important that someone else take them.. someone who could help care for her in ways that her mother never would. So I took them. Hedge got hit by a car in her youth, and we spent many many late nights in her room teaching her to talk correctly again... I gave her haircuts, gave her a place to stay, and she gave me so much more in return as well. A friendship like that will never die. I still wear the swimsuits, even though now she lives in california with her new husband thousands of miles away. I still wear them, I always will.
so I think I like this boy, but it's hard for me to open up because I am just getting out of a 5-6 year relationship. I would love to continue to spend time with him, but I can tell that he wants to know...and I would like to know what our status is.. Should I ask? It would really alleviate a lot of uncomfortable pressure if we both knew what the other wanted out of the time we spend together....but it's just such a wierd thing to bring up.
Should I?
j841:
So what happened?? Was just reading through your journal and it sounded so stable