I had lunch with trevor the other day. We ate, chatted, went for a walk, hugged, and hopped back into our cars... It was pleasant, but pretty formal.
2 minutes after getting into my car, he calls me ask hurridly asks me if I can talk to him after work. I agree.
he told me.
We sat outside and drink warm drinks while speaking the kind of small talk that immediatly gathers dust. He began to shake, although it was not cold. I gave him my jacket. He told me he lays awake at night thinking of me. He told me that his life doesn't make any sense. He told me that a week or so ago, when we sat in my car in the rain listening to music that if I had asked him to just GO... To just stay in the car with me and to ride with me, to start new lives together someplace else, that he is more than 100% sure he would have said yes. We went and sat in his car. He left it running. He told me he misses my home made dinners and how I ran to the door everytime he came home, so happy to see him. He apologized for not appreciating it enough. I told him he hurt my feelings when he criticized my clothes... he said he knew... and he didn't know why he was doing it. He apologized. We spoke of the time we danced together to david bowie in the kitchen while doing the dishes... for hours and hours. I finally broke down and gave him a hug. He put his head on my chest and wouldn't lift it. He cried. He's 6 foot 3... he's a serious man...it's hard to see him cry. really really hard.
He told me that he didn't want to go see Bauhaus with me because he was afraid of what might happen. I was a little offended by this because it sounds like he is assuming I would be interested in him again... mentally or physically... it's awfully assumptive of him to say.
He mentioned that he had a sex dream about me. I told him that it was inappropriate to mention it and asked him not to again. I barely spoke while he did.
I don't know her enough to pass much judgment, we hung out a few times while he and I were together, but his new girlfriend is making life hard for him.
She has very recently become very religious and is pressuring him to do so... She lays no claim to fate or tragedy...she believes it is all "gods will," They argue about this constantly.
I call sometimes to say hello, because he and I are still very much best friends. She checks his phone and asks him why I called.
She fights with him constantly... I feel terrible for him, I wish things were better for him, but I don't know if I'm the person he should be turning to. Is it just out of comfort? Does he just miss the old "me"? Or is he interested in the person I have since become? Has he changed at all? Is it worth throwing what I have now away to find out how he has changed? Is he just telling me to get it off his chest, or does he expect some kind of answer from me? He left and I was forced to start a new life, and since then I have grown tremendously... it's hard to think about disrupting all that I have at the moment to try to work something out that I've already given up on, worked out again over and over and over for most of my life... Then again, everytime we end up drawn back together, it is better than the time before. He tells me that he feels bad because she likes him SO much, and that she hasn't ever had anyone treat her right, so he feels binded. He told me how unfair he feels it is that so many people he knows have warped ideas of who I am. He has trouble touching her etc. because of her life before she converted. She had been with almost 30 people...and that is just the number she was fully intimate with. He has only been with one.
I wish we didn't understand eachother so well. I wish I didn't feel his pain. I wish I knew what to do.
He came upstairs to listen to godspeed you black emperor with me in my room. We watched the trailor for "last days," and for the new greg arraki(SP) movie. I played a song for him that I admitted always made me think of him and cry. We listened for a second, then he put his head on my shoulder. I saw him look up a few times, probably because tears were hitting him.
He left. The look he gave me as he walked down the steps tore my heart into pieces.
I have a boyfriend. He's a really great guy, the kind who doesn't need a girlfriend, but everytime we spend time together he gets closer and closer to saying... "it," I can tell. I'm scared to death. Not so much to hear it, but to be faced with the reality of whether or not I can return the feelings, and if not... why can't I?
So I am not even sure what trevor was trying to say, or ask, that night... I think we need to talk again.
really basically my problem is that I don't really know what he was saying.. I let him talk just to get it off his chest... but it didn't make that much sense to me. Was he asking me something, telling me something, confiding in me as a friend? How can I know?????????
This is, pretty much literally, killing me.
sorry, I just needed to rant somewhere.. badly.
2 minutes after getting into my car, he calls me ask hurridly asks me if I can talk to him after work. I agree.
he told me.
We sat outside and drink warm drinks while speaking the kind of small talk that immediatly gathers dust. He began to shake, although it was not cold. I gave him my jacket. He told me he lays awake at night thinking of me. He told me that his life doesn't make any sense. He told me that a week or so ago, when we sat in my car in the rain listening to music that if I had asked him to just GO... To just stay in the car with me and to ride with me, to start new lives together someplace else, that he is more than 100% sure he would have said yes. We went and sat in his car. He left it running. He told me he misses my home made dinners and how I ran to the door everytime he came home, so happy to see him. He apologized for not appreciating it enough. I told him he hurt my feelings when he criticized my clothes... he said he knew... and he didn't know why he was doing it. He apologized. We spoke of the time we danced together to david bowie in the kitchen while doing the dishes... for hours and hours. I finally broke down and gave him a hug. He put his head on my chest and wouldn't lift it. He cried. He's 6 foot 3... he's a serious man...it's hard to see him cry. really really hard.
He told me that he didn't want to go see Bauhaus with me because he was afraid of what might happen. I was a little offended by this because it sounds like he is assuming I would be interested in him again... mentally or physically... it's awfully assumptive of him to say.
He mentioned that he had a sex dream about me. I told him that it was inappropriate to mention it and asked him not to again. I barely spoke while he did.
I don't know her enough to pass much judgment, we hung out a few times while he and I were together, but his new girlfriend is making life hard for him.
She has very recently become very religious and is pressuring him to do so... She lays no claim to fate or tragedy...she believes it is all "gods will," They argue about this constantly.
I call sometimes to say hello, because he and I are still very much best friends. She checks his phone and asks him why I called.
She fights with him constantly... I feel terrible for him, I wish things were better for him, but I don't know if I'm the person he should be turning to. Is it just out of comfort? Does he just miss the old "me"? Or is he interested in the person I have since become? Has he changed at all? Is it worth throwing what I have now away to find out how he has changed? Is he just telling me to get it off his chest, or does he expect some kind of answer from me? He left and I was forced to start a new life, and since then I have grown tremendously... it's hard to think about disrupting all that I have at the moment to try to work something out that I've already given up on, worked out again over and over and over for most of my life... Then again, everytime we end up drawn back together, it is better than the time before. He tells me that he feels bad because she likes him SO much, and that she hasn't ever had anyone treat her right, so he feels binded. He told me how unfair he feels it is that so many people he knows have warped ideas of who I am. He has trouble touching her etc. because of her life before she converted. She had been with almost 30 people...and that is just the number she was fully intimate with. He has only been with one.
I wish we didn't understand eachother so well. I wish I didn't feel his pain. I wish I knew what to do.
He came upstairs to listen to godspeed you black emperor with me in my room. We watched the trailor for "last days," and for the new greg arraki(SP) movie. I played a song for him that I admitted always made me think of him and cry. We listened for a second, then he put his head on my shoulder. I saw him look up a few times, probably because tears were hitting him.
He left. The look he gave me as he walked down the steps tore my heart into pieces.
I have a boyfriend. He's a really great guy, the kind who doesn't need a girlfriend, but everytime we spend time together he gets closer and closer to saying... "it," I can tell. I'm scared to death. Not so much to hear it, but to be faced with the reality of whether or not I can return the feelings, and if not... why can't I?
So I am not even sure what trevor was trying to say, or ask, that night... I think we need to talk again.
really basically my problem is that I don't really know what he was saying.. I let him talk just to get it off his chest... but it didn't make that much sense to me. Was he asking me something, telling me something, confiding in me as a friend? How can I know?????????
This is, pretty much literally, killing me.
sorry, I just needed to rant somewhere.. badly.