Historically, Im not a happy person. Since around 4th grade Ive had the feeling that Im not meant to be here.
My mom had a son before me. He was still-born. His name was Robert Howard Anderson. I think that it was really Robert who was meant to be on this earth and not me. I think God made a mistake. Things happened out of order. Something like that.
I think my brother is looking down on me from heaven from time to time thinking, youre fuckin it up Shawn. You stole my ride, and youre totally wasting it! Maybe hes right, maybe hes wrong. I dunno.
When I was in 3rd grade, a girl about 6 years older than me molested me. I felt so ashamed and confused that I climbed onto the roof of the school and jumped off, trying to land on my head. All I succeeded in doing was knocking the wind out of myself and getting really angry. (Typical case of me fuckin it up)
In 6th grade, I fell in love with a girl named Amy. I asked her out, and she said yes. We were going together
I mowed lawns to earn money to buy her gifts. All I cared about was making her happy. But I liked her so much that I got nervous around her. I was too afraid to kiss her. So, she dumped me for being tight. (fucked up again)
Years later in High School in my junior year, I got a girl pregnant. I got a job, and did my best to support my son. I gave up a full scholarship to Berkley College of Music in Boston because I felt I needed to stay in town to be a father to him.
Years later I talked his mother into giving me full legal custody. She was a drunk and I knew I could do a better job of raising him.
After 14 years, I can look in the mirror and honestly say that Ive fucked that up too. Without a doubt, the failure that hurts the most. Admitting youre a shitty parent is not easy, and its sure as fuck depressing.
Ive been able to live with the fact that Im a fuck up. Not happily, but Ive lived with it. However the realization that my inability to get things right is effecting the lives of others is resulting in the most severe depression Ive ever felt.
Its making me question every move I make and every word I speak. Its turned me into a paranoid wreck that annoys the people he loves.
Im actually shocked that Ive decided to be so honest in this journal and to share such things.
Im not sure what I expect to come of this, if anything. I guess I just needed to get it off my chest.
My sincere apologies to all those whove had to deal with me lately.
My apologies to my son for failing him.
And my apologies to Robert for stealing his turn.
My mom had a son before me. He was still-born. His name was Robert Howard Anderson. I think that it was really Robert who was meant to be on this earth and not me. I think God made a mistake. Things happened out of order. Something like that.
I think my brother is looking down on me from heaven from time to time thinking, youre fuckin it up Shawn. You stole my ride, and youre totally wasting it! Maybe hes right, maybe hes wrong. I dunno.
When I was in 3rd grade, a girl about 6 years older than me molested me. I felt so ashamed and confused that I climbed onto the roof of the school and jumped off, trying to land on my head. All I succeeded in doing was knocking the wind out of myself and getting really angry. (Typical case of me fuckin it up)
In 6th grade, I fell in love with a girl named Amy. I asked her out, and she said yes. We were going together
I mowed lawns to earn money to buy her gifts. All I cared about was making her happy. But I liked her so much that I got nervous around her. I was too afraid to kiss her. So, she dumped me for being tight. (fucked up again)
Years later in High School in my junior year, I got a girl pregnant. I got a job, and did my best to support my son. I gave up a full scholarship to Berkley College of Music in Boston because I felt I needed to stay in town to be a father to him.
Years later I talked his mother into giving me full legal custody. She was a drunk and I knew I could do a better job of raising him.
After 14 years, I can look in the mirror and honestly say that Ive fucked that up too. Without a doubt, the failure that hurts the most. Admitting youre a shitty parent is not easy, and its sure as fuck depressing.
Ive been able to live with the fact that Im a fuck up. Not happily, but Ive lived with it. However the realization that my inability to get things right is effecting the lives of others is resulting in the most severe depression Ive ever felt.
Its making me question every move I make and every word I speak. Its turned me into a paranoid wreck that annoys the people he loves.
Im actually shocked that Ive decided to be so honest in this journal and to share such things.
Im not sure what I expect to come of this, if anything. I guess I just needed to get it off my chest.
My sincere apologies to all those whove had to deal with me lately.
My apologies to my son for failing him.
And my apologies to Robert for stealing his turn.
VIEW 11 of 11 COMMENTS
You aren't a mistake, but you have had a more difficult road to tread-- that is because you are also in possession of the strength to cope with it. If you're not seeing someone professional to help you out, please find someone. If you are, and they're not working for you, don't be afraid to try someone else. Not every therapist will be the right fit for you.
Happiness really is within you, but you're going to have to bust your ass a little more than most to get it. Luckily, you're strong and capable.