shattered

I had a drink last night. It's been a long time, don't remember when I had one last time. I just wanted one really bad. It was easier to get myself a little buzzed and forget about my feelings for awhile.

The same thing that happened a month ago is happening now. For no apparent reason at all. And the only possible thing I could've done to cause it as teasingly say they should get on IM because I wanted to talk to them Friday night.

What's up with that? Seriously, I don't get it. And I have to sit here for the last two days feeling like utter shite because it upsets me that much, because I can't stand having a tiff with them. It upsets me to the point where I'm on my bedroom floor at 5 am crying because that's all I can do, besides being mad at them to keep myself from crying.

And all I want to know is how the heck they could be like that towards me in the first place. All I want for them is to stop avoiding me, stop ignoring me, because it only makes me feel worse.

A lot of people cut themselves to deal with things. I used to hit myself, punch myself. A lot. I asked people to hang out with me this weekend after my original plans fell through, because I desperately wanted to keep my mind off of things. And instead I sat in my room thimking about how I used to hurt myself.

Life was so much easier when I kept everyone out. But to have human contact is human nature, and so I'm stuck thinking that if I don't blame myself, I must be screwed up in the head. How's that for a twist, part of me wants it to be my fault.

But it's not.

And my instinct is to push away when this happens. Push hard, push fast, do it before you can feel hurt again. All I've ever done is push. I don't want to do that anymore. And my insides are one big icky mess, because I'm kicking my instincts in the shins and trying not to fall over in the process.



I wonder if this made sense to anyone.