sharonlove

Inflamed in Tragedy, a Broken Heart.
Current mood: contemplative

Why did it have to end the way that it did. Enemies are we now.
Oh, so many times I've hated. Succeeded even...
Yet one glimpse past this pride, and I wilt.
He is poison incarnate.
Deceptive in his sweetness.
And yet, besides the hateful songs and disrespectful comments I look past that... to the person I once loved as a friend.
Has it been long enough where I no longer feel the vindictive, utter hate towards him? Thrusting me out like some fucking disowned animal.
I was called a whore.

For what.
For being honest in who I am?
Because I am a woman and am not ashamed at the thoughts I have? Because I go where I want to go, when I want to go?
I love who I love, and when I say I love you, its not a fucking lie. I don't say it so freely that it is like hello and goodbye. I tell it to you because life is too short...far too short.
Its the fucking honest truth.
I loved him as a friend, I could see EVERYTHING that was good in him.
Yet, nearly as soon as I gave that to him, he thrust me away with no explanation, and no matter how much I wanted to hear one, going to his friends even... I didn't get that.
Except, nearly 8 months later. The explanation I got .... seemed so trivial... seemed so minuscule ... that I balked. I could not believe I was thrown away for such things that "had been a big deal at the time". It had been too late for apologies.
I had wanted to know at the time of action, even if he had talked to me three months after the fact, I would have listened and maybe understood his plight. However, to be so emotionally hurt by what I did, to throw me away for THAT... I couldn't conceive of it. I am honest with my friends, brutally frank, even. I desire the same from those I associate myself with.

It had hurt my feelings, broken my heart to be pushed out.
And yes, angered the utter piss out of me. That is how I deal with hurt. I get angry. Its a self preservation technique that unfortunately, I have attained.
Now, I find he is in a band that I enjoy, that I want to see succeed,
and I am conflicted.

To harbor such animosity is unhealthy.
To give happiness is fulfilling.
After all this time, I want him to be happy.
I want him to be successful. It might be stupidity on my part and might even garner a fucking slap in the face for my actions, but its how I FEEL at this moment.
I don't care if its going to fuck me up in the long run. I don't give two shits and a fuck if its going to be implemented in a song.
I have moved on, we have closed that chapter.

I have grown as a human being in the past year because of what has happened more than most can comprehend. I am honest with my dealings, there is no treachery hidden in my actions. My name has been soiled upon, but I am going about to cleanse that.
I am me. That is all I can be, and if you hate me...
I accept that.