shanknolan

If there is one show I hate as much as I hate Big Brother, it's Idol. I hate the concept, the marketing, the theme song, the contestants, the way it takes over my television seven days a week. Don't get me wrong, I hate television to begin with, but 'programs' like this atrocity make it unbearable to even own one.
Even those of you living under a rock could not escape the hype that surrounds this show every single season. If the marketing team found a way to invade people's dreams for the purpose of advertising, I would not be surprised. That being said, here is a quick summary of the show - every episode begins with me throwing the nearest object at the television, and ends thirty seconds later when the television goes over the balcony.

Like every country, Australia has it's own version of the Idol campaign, and the average public are just as militant in their devotion to the 'stars'. However, because some cock-wristed prostate farmer at Network 10 decided that one season of Idol a year just isn't enough, we also get American Idol. So I'm picking on you today, America.

Of the many problems I have with the Idol 'phenomenon', the marketing is right up there at the top of the list. Let's look first at the premise of the show. It's basically an hour of karaoke a night, and we the people get to kick out whoever we think is the most shit. So far, not a bad idea, if I ignore the fact that karaoke is the herpes of the entertainment world, and the fact that I don't care about any show enough to waste money on phone calls. All of a sudden, it's on every night of the week. Then they're trying to sell me cd's of the 'wildcards' and the 'top 10' butchering classics and failures alike. Advertising everywhere, every 3 minutes on television, on busses, buildings, trains.. then just as I think it can't get any more pervasive, what do I discover in my local supermarket?



You mean to tell me that not only can I watch, listen to and beat my head against American Idol, now I can eat off it too? Get out.
No, seriously. Get the fuck out of my life now.

Ok, it's time to talk about the man that everybody loves to hate. The arrogant, dagger tongued fiend that is Simon Cowell. The man spits fire, ice and venom every time he opens his mouth. His permanent disposition is stuck on rabid vitriol; he argues almost every compliment the other judges bestow, and I'm beginning to think the man gets a cash bonus for every contestant he makes cry. America loves to hate him, the world loves to hate him. Even the marketing campaigns love to hate him.

Exhibit A :

The message to the public - Simon needs to shut the fuck up.
I think the show would be much more interesting if Simon Cowell was the only person allowed to speak. The show would be called 'Simon Says - Shut the Fuck Up!'
Better yet, they should replace Simon completely, and put me in his place. I would change the name of the show to 'Daniel J Conquers America', and it would involve me sitting on my throne, casting judgement over all I see. It would be mandatory to watch it, in fact it would play 24/7 on every network everywhere. The world will get to watch as I break hearts, crush the dreams of children, and bathe in the blood of my victims.

Lets face it, that would make much better television.