shanknolan

i was right all along

i was having a debate with somebody at work the other day about film. she was flapping her lip about how good she thought 'vanilla sky' was, so just before i punched her in the mouth, i thought i would point out this movie's biggest flaw -



if ever there was a man deserving of my boot to his face, it this this smarmy cunt. i thought it was impossible for a person to look so smug, but ill be damned if the man doesnt keep outdoing himself on a daily basis. in researching this article, i had to replace my monitor four times - my fist just kept smashing his face of its own accord.

cruise is such a prick that he was fired from paramount pictures. the executives completed this manouvre on the sly; when it came time to renew tom's contract, they threw it in the bin and repeatedly pissed on it singing hallelujah. paramount had gotten so sick of cruise's bullshit (bitching, chair jumping, crazy religious beliefs, cradle robbing) that they decided they were better off without the hundreds of millions tom was raking in for them. tom's reaction was kept quiet from the media; everybody assumed 'he's tom cruise, he'll have no problem getting another deal right?' get fucked, you're all wrong. nobody wants him. he had to create a production company himself just to stay employed. in fact, i have photographic evidence of just how badly tom took the rejection.



one other thing. everybody is wondering how in the name of fuck tom cruise scored katie holmes. and before i go any further, the next person to use the phrase 'tomkat' to describe the unholy pairing will recieve a 'gift' from me in the form of a beartrap laced with anthrax. so how does a self absorbed, alien worshipping shitwhore like cruise seduce an innocent catholic child into recieving his tainted seed? first of all, we need a little history on tom.

cruise was born in the fires of the ninth level of hell, a spawning ground of the most feindish and terrible demonic minions. curiously enough, all the other demons considered him something of a piss ant, and after millenia of beatings and being repeatedly raped by goblins, he was banished to earth: a punishment reserved only for the weakest minions so they could learn from scratch what being badass means.

at first, his plan to rule the world involved pairing with another foul minion, nicole kidman. cruise was the weaker of the two, and after having his shit ruined on a regular basis he decided he'd had enough. by now people were beginning to cotton on to tom's true nature, so he decided he needed a disguise. enter katie holmes, the very picture of innocence. tom paid a visit to a witchdoctor and purchased the most powerful love potion imaginable. natrually, this failed miserably as cruise is the definition of repugnance. so in the end, he slipped her a rohypnol and knocked her up. being catholic, holmes had to marry him or have the unborn demon spawn aborted, which her backwater catholic ways would not allow.

now, before you start flapping your yaps at me telling me i just made this stuff up on the spot, i want you to observe the following piece of evidence.



your secret is out, tom cruise. i win, and you're just a weak, slimy cunt.

man i hate tom cruise.