He says he can't remember. That it's blocked out of his memories. I should be happy... Why can't I be happy? What does it matter what happened in the past? Why can't I let it go?
Those are the things I hear whenever Michael and I discuss his soon to be done divorce. More, when I question about his previous relationship. How much did he love her? Why did it end? What made him finally decide to leave and be with me, especially when he hadn't started the paperwork until after I came here? I keep these thoughts in the back of my mind... And every day it eats at me. When I talked to him today about it, he just said he couldn't remember. And I felt like he was lying to me. HE said he wasn't.
Now I'm fighting with the, does it matter? Does the past really make a difference? He never questions me about my past but I can't let my thoughts on his past go. I feel like he may have wanted to save his ex wife from living in poverty when she had a kid and a divorce from her ex. I want to ask questions about their sex life, since she was a big lady, big enough for a gastric bypass. I want to know more... Way more because it is in my head. But what will it prove? What?
The logical part of me knows, it doesn't matter. He is with me. He is trying to do good and pay her money for the debt they owed together... he is making sure not to be a total dick. But the insane part of me wants to know every dirty secert. I feel like I can't dream because of her. I feel even more ashamed to want to get married and have kids. Not to mention talking about it.
So does it matter?
*****************
Thanksgiving Thanks:
1. My family is living and is basically ok.
2. I have a good job, as mundane as it is, it's still good.
3. We all have roofs over our head in my family.
4. I am insanely in love and love Michael more than i ever thought I could for a nonfamily member.
5. Gen, Mom, Lyric, Michael, Robert, Justin, my new friends here in Fort Lauderdale, Cedric the cat, even if he did put a 6 inch gash in the screened porch...
Breathing still..
Those are the things I hear whenever Michael and I discuss his soon to be done divorce. More, when I question about his previous relationship. How much did he love her? Why did it end? What made him finally decide to leave and be with me, especially when he hadn't started the paperwork until after I came here? I keep these thoughts in the back of my mind... And every day it eats at me. When I talked to him today about it, he just said he couldn't remember. And I felt like he was lying to me. HE said he wasn't.
Now I'm fighting with the, does it matter? Does the past really make a difference? He never questions me about my past but I can't let my thoughts on his past go. I feel like he may have wanted to save his ex wife from living in poverty when she had a kid and a divorce from her ex. I want to ask questions about their sex life, since she was a big lady, big enough for a gastric bypass. I want to know more... Way more because it is in my head. But what will it prove? What?
The logical part of me knows, it doesn't matter. He is with me. He is trying to do good and pay her money for the debt they owed together... he is making sure not to be a total dick. But the insane part of me wants to know every dirty secert. I feel like I can't dream because of her. I feel even more ashamed to want to get married and have kids. Not to mention talking about it.
So does it matter?
*****************
Thanksgiving Thanks:
1. My family is living and is basically ok.
2. I have a good job, as mundane as it is, it's still good.
3. We all have roofs over our head in my family.
4. I am insanely in love and love Michael more than i ever thought I could for a nonfamily member.
5. Gen, Mom, Lyric, Michael, Robert, Justin, my new friends here in Fort Lauderdale, Cedric the cat, even if he did put a 6 inch gash in the screened porch...
Breathing still..