shamelessly

I fear ...

moving
change
the good life
struggling
temptation
people i am attracted too
people who are good to me

i also fear

the truth,
and the lies
the facts
and my own fantasies
i fear being beautiful to myself
and too others

i fear talking
sharing
attachments
exposing myself to anyone
letting go
just being
walking away
walking towards...

i fear almost everything..
well not so much fear..
as want to avoid

have some made up reason to why i shouldn't like someone,
but still can't keep away even though i know i should.
sometimes i feel valid in who i should and shouldn't care for..
but i don't seem to ever listen to my gut.

not sure why i fear change, when i do it so well..

as for talking, and communication
its the one thing i look for, but have seem to realize
its one of the many things i am not good at.

everyone says communication is key
its the glue to keeping people close, and honest, and together.
but to talk about how i feel
not really an option.

I get embarrassed about how i feel,
the way i think, the emotions that live inside me.

I am ashamed of feeling,
or maybe i'm so used to having those thoughts pushed aside,
that i fear talking about them.

The books i own are piling up.
I am addicted to reading about others.
Living thru the book. the characters. the images.
I am addicted to hours of conversation with people i do not know,
or want to know...
talking is easier with them then the ones i love,
the people i trust..

on that note..
i don't feel i really truly trust many.

i can name one. but i wont.

this cycle of fearing rejection, being alone, being single, being told i'm not good enough, or being told were better off friends, or told that im the wrong type to date, or that i am only good for this, or that, or any of those lines i get fed by people... that whole cycle has pushed me to be this person.

that wants. and needs.

but fears to tread that water, fears to to ask, to push further and elsewhere.

Oddly enough, all this sounds like negativity. But in my head, its more me cleansing the lines between who i am, what others see, and what i want to see.
Calling myself out, and not denying my faults, issues and pains.

I want to walk around in life, and not take for granted the people in my life, who i meet, sleep with, love, trust, lean on, or anything.

I find the line between living and loving, are too difficult to separate for myself.