I've always struggled with depression and all that good shit, but tonight took me to one of the newest lows I've ever felt. Didn't put a gun in my mouth this time only because I could only think of how devastated my girlfriend would feel, and no matter what, she's what comes first in my life. I've never felt so worthless as a human being. Something I thought I gotten used to being as my father has always been a abusive drunk, but he's gotten better, or so I thought, tonight he showed me a side of him that only I could of been so stupid to believe had gone away. And tomorrow it'll be "I'm sorry, you know I didn't mean any of it, I love you more than you can know". Thank you for taking me by surprise, father of mine. I only know now to never let my guard down, because everyone is who they are not. I will continue to live with my problems, and my shell will only harden, you may see the happy me, but whatre ally lies beneath, a broken she'll of a person, longing for the one thing he's wished for every birthday, praying to what ever higher power will listen, that he only wants best for his father. As much as he's hurt me, I still will always take careof that mother ffucker, still love him, and always watch out for his well being. Tomorrow I will accept his apologies as he crys on my shoulder, weeping about how he's hurt me and how sorry he is. But next time, I will not break down and weep out of despair, out of helpless sorrow, no more will I waste childhood wishing, praying to useless God's that don't listen, hoping for the best for what's to come. I will accept my father will drink himself to his grave and I will love him and hopefully show him grandchildren before his demise. Remember everything good that your parents do, take none of it for granted, I still cherish the 3 father days my father didn't drink for me in my life. Only 3 times I've not seen a beer in his hand. Remember the smiles and laughs you have with your parents, love them even for their worst traits because I know mine is an addict and even with help from professionals that it'll not help. I've been abused all my life and I still live and Strive for better, what else can one do when in the darkest holes? Find happiness in everything, never give up. Guess I've just rambled through my feelings, don't even know what all I've wrote like I usually do, goodnight Sg World. Thank you for the friends I've made on this site.
