there are some really great things going on in my life and some not so great things.
really great things- my medication is finally evened out and i'm happier than i've been in a long time, my husband is a total fucking gem, our credit card debts are almost paid off, i've made some cooooool new friends, the vagina monologues are coming up next weekend, and RENT (the musical) is coming to town in march.
really sucky things- my classes are late at night this semester so i come home exhausted, i absolutely hate my body (i've put on 40 pounds since i was my iddy biddy self two years ago), and i just found out that i have to RETAKE a class i got a C in NEXT FALL. i thought i was all done with school this semester! now i'm really bummed!
about the body thing... i wish i could just lighten up about it. its just that i used to be SO SMALL and now i'm not anymore and its this whole CHANGE thing that i cant get used to. its like the new me and i dont recognize it or understand it at all. i think its age and my metabolism slowing down. i mean i always ate like a pig- and junk food too- and stayed skinny as a twig. my (lets call them) "aquaintances" used to call me "rattle me bones" because i was so tiny. and i suppose i never liked being made fun of for that either. i just want to come to a place where i feel comfortable with my body. last night i went to a friends place where there is a hot tub and we all went in in our bra and undies. i felt really self-conscious even though i did have a great time. its so hard to know how to let these things go. i have class most nights- and i do yoga on one of my two nights off. plus i am active at school running around after 4 year olds. but i just cant get it right. maybe i dont need to change my body- i need to change my attitude. but its so hard when this society focuses on people who are THAT small. and i know thats how i used to look. and i thought it would never change. and i miss it.
oh well. thanks for listening to me rant. you guys are the best. and on a positive note... i did buy a new bathing suit the other day that i actually like. its like a tanktop and a skirt, so it covers my tummy and the part of my thighs where i have a lot of scars from when i was a teenager and used to cut myself. its cute and it makes me feel great. so yay for finding ways around our problems! haha. love you all.
really great things- my medication is finally evened out and i'm happier than i've been in a long time, my husband is a total fucking gem, our credit card debts are almost paid off, i've made some cooooool new friends, the vagina monologues are coming up next weekend, and RENT (the musical) is coming to town in march.
really sucky things- my classes are late at night this semester so i come home exhausted, i absolutely hate my body (i've put on 40 pounds since i was my iddy biddy self two years ago), and i just found out that i have to RETAKE a class i got a C in NEXT FALL. i thought i was all done with school this semester! now i'm really bummed!
about the body thing... i wish i could just lighten up about it. its just that i used to be SO SMALL and now i'm not anymore and its this whole CHANGE thing that i cant get used to. its like the new me and i dont recognize it or understand it at all. i think its age and my metabolism slowing down. i mean i always ate like a pig- and junk food too- and stayed skinny as a twig. my (lets call them) "aquaintances" used to call me "rattle me bones" because i was so tiny. and i suppose i never liked being made fun of for that either. i just want to come to a place where i feel comfortable with my body. last night i went to a friends place where there is a hot tub and we all went in in our bra and undies. i felt really self-conscious even though i did have a great time. its so hard to know how to let these things go. i have class most nights- and i do yoga on one of my two nights off. plus i am active at school running around after 4 year olds. but i just cant get it right. maybe i dont need to change my body- i need to change my attitude. but its so hard when this society focuses on people who are THAT small. and i know thats how i used to look. and i thought it would never change. and i miss it.
oh well. thanks for listening to me rant. you guys are the best. and on a positive note... i did buy a new bathing suit the other day that i actually like. its like a tanktop and a skirt, so it covers my tummy and the part of my thighs where i have a lot of scars from when i was a teenager and used to cut myself. its cute and it makes me feel great. so yay for finding ways around our problems! haha. love you all.
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I know what you mean by feeling uncomfortable though. While I always enjoyed being naked and would do it, I always hid feeling self conscious because of wondering if people were comparing me to the other girls. Especially after finding out that one of my "best friends" was calling me fat behind my back. (Bitch, eh?)
I haven't seen you lately, but I can almost assure you that you are still gorgeous. The female body doesn't just look good at one specific weight. There is a good 20+ lb range most women have.