Oh SHIT!!!
Last night I might have had sex with over 100 men. . . No type of fornication took place but I did have the most surreal moment of clarity and terror. At a friends party the host was bare footing it on the deck, a glass drops and breaks at his bare feet. The caregiver in me kicks in and I tell him not to move and immediately go to work picking all the big shards away (BEING VERY CAREFUL to avoid touching any blood!!!!) When I dropped the shards in the waste bin I noticed a single fuckin drop of blood on my finger and it wasnt mine. To most people this wouldnt be a big deal. . . But you see, I bite my finger nails, I mean the crazy kinda biting my fingernails where most of the time theres always some kind of open cut on the corner of my fingernail and the quick. . . The moment I saw that blood on my finger my heart just stopped. I washed my fucking hands LONG AND HARD wondering if I was making it worse just imagining the water washing the blood into every open scratch and cut my teeth have left on my fingers. I dont know this guy from Jack, only met him a few times, but at that moment the only thing I was thinking of was that I had just come into contact with a gay mans blood. He was quick to say that I didnt have anything to worry about and I underplayed my true terror mostly because it was too late to even matter and I didnt want to single handedly change the mood of the night with my worries but the fact is that I lost someone to AIDS in 99. We had lost touch years before when I moved out of state and just never talked again because we get on with our own lives until you are talking to and old friend and he says Did you hear that James died last year. . . ? Theres some wicked shit that can live in blood and I should have known better. My wife and I are finally at the stage where we are trying to have children and now I have to put the sex life on hold because it can take up to three months for HIV to be detectible in blood. . . Im predicting three months of anxiety based nightmares. My wife told me not to worry about or give it any thought but right now those words dont mean anything to me. . . Youre fuckin right Im worried about it.
Last night I might have had sex with over 100 men. . . No type of fornication took place but I did have the most surreal moment of clarity and terror. At a friends party the host was bare footing it on the deck, a glass drops and breaks at his bare feet. The caregiver in me kicks in and I tell him not to move and immediately go to work picking all the big shards away (BEING VERY CAREFUL to avoid touching any blood!!!!) When I dropped the shards in the waste bin I noticed a single fuckin drop of blood on my finger and it wasnt mine. To most people this wouldnt be a big deal. . . But you see, I bite my finger nails, I mean the crazy kinda biting my fingernails where most of the time theres always some kind of open cut on the corner of my fingernail and the quick. . . The moment I saw that blood on my finger my heart just stopped. I washed my fucking hands LONG AND HARD wondering if I was making it worse just imagining the water washing the blood into every open scratch and cut my teeth have left on my fingers. I dont know this guy from Jack, only met him a few times, but at that moment the only thing I was thinking of was that I had just come into contact with a gay mans blood. He was quick to say that I didnt have anything to worry about and I underplayed my true terror mostly because it was too late to even matter and I didnt want to single handedly change the mood of the night with my worries but the fact is that I lost someone to AIDS in 99. We had lost touch years before when I moved out of state and just never talked again because we get on with our own lives until you are talking to and old friend and he says Did you hear that James died last year. . . ? Theres some wicked shit that can live in blood and I should have known better. My wife and I are finally at the stage where we are trying to have children and now I have to put the sex life on hold because it can take up to three months for HIV to be detectible in blood. . . Im predicting three months of anxiety based nightmares. My wife told me not to worry about or give it any thought but right now those words dont mean anything to me. . . Youre fuckin right Im worried about it.