From a friend's livejournal...
-----
Its always been this way tho, I've always been doomed to the friendzone and/or fuck-friend zone. None of my friends in high school ever looked at me in that way. And it always hurt. Like why the hell am I so different from other girls?! I'm good enough to fuck but not good enough to date or be talked about? Don't I deserve love, too?!
fuck yea I do
So I figure, I'm grown up and I have new friends. Nope. I can change the scenery and change myself but I cant change the world and things stay exactly the same.
And I guess I'll just have to keep changing me, except this change isn't necessarily good for others. I just keep getting colder and bitter and I want more and more to close myself off from everyone.
And its not even just the romantic thing that bothers me, its friendships in general. I know for damned sure I am an excellent friend. If I consider you a friend, you are 'you people' ...
I put myself aside for you people, I listen when you need me, I'll be a lover if you need it, I'd kill for you if you asked me.
But I am tired of doing all the work. Tired of just existing when you want me to. So I shut myself off.
And you ask me why I don't ever talk to you? Because I try, I try really hard, but you are all so fucking self absorbed that I can't even begin to open my mouth and say what I want to say before you go on and on with whats on YOUR mind. Usually I don't mind but christ, I need friends, too, I need people to listen to me as well.
I really like that part in fight club where he's hugging her and they talk about 'when people think you're dyeing, they really listen...instead of just waiting for their turn to talk" (excuse me if I slaughtered that quote).
Damn it. I had it all thought out and I was going to write it so much better so it wouldn't be in my head bringing me down anymore but it came out all wrong and people are going to take this all wrong but whatever, I kind of threw my point on the table, with a messy *kathud* but its there.
--------------------
me: What is tearing me up is how i'd kill for this girl. I have so much love for her it wounds me. I'd walk to her house in the middle of the snow outside if she'd allow me to see her. But there are other people she'd rather spend time with. She wants other people, more interesting people. I am nothing. I have worn out my welcome, my being. Within her eyes, I am an old thing, worn, broken, stolen of all its splendour with the passing of time.
I know I am quiet and call rarely, because I am always turned away. I offer my time, and am rejected. I want to listen, but nothing is ever offered.
Everything she describes reminds me of how I feel. And yet I know with her, it's the same. She doesn't call anymore. She doesn't want me to call her anymore. I want to listen, to hear her voice. But all I get on the other line is silence, vicious silence, until all is NULL.
Let me languish and die ridiculous world. 1 month more.
Dry out my bones, cracked and weary upon the shores of a foreign beach. Let my lifeblood feed the soils of the forests. May the archons swallow my flesh, and the aeons take my soul to the Unbegotten.
Let everything return to nothing, from whence all begins. The Tao flows without beginning or ending, may its currents guide me home.
Life isn't worth living in this regrettable world. Only that I know that I am not prepared for the archons do i stay my hands.