Wednesday Sep 21, 2005

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Crying Wolf

So tack up another one for the book of crazies and Shaw. Well like first off I would like to say that Lord Of War with Nicholas Cage is an excellent movie and right from the beginning I knew where the film was going and its so true. If humanity knew half of the atrocities committed in Africa on an every day basis then the world would have something to say.

So onto my night, the date with the schoolteacher went well, we went to the movies then back home and showed her my place again. So we hung out for most of the evening talking and then I drove her home. Well I get home and wasnt home for to long then I start noticing something happening with my body. My heart wasnt beating regular and I could feel in my body how week my pulse was. I panicked! Was this my last few moments on earth! I call 9-1-1 and letI began to phone those most important in my life and tell them my last goodbyes and how much I love them. I was so certain I was dying; now I just wish I was dead. At least I could have been right for once in my life. Now I just have to deal with the humiliation of phoning those loved ones back and telling of the non-emergency l will let them know not to worry just a figment of my fucked up skull once again. Fuck I hate, hate, hate this. Why cant I just be normal?
While listening to PJ Harvey Album: UH HUH HE
1 Comments | Edit | Delete
kaleidoscopic:
oh dear that sounds terrible...i've been there. i thought my heart stopped beating and my blood stopped flowing before. tons of "i can't breathe my legs are frozen." perhaps the worst was the old "IF YOU MOVE YOUR LEG I PROMISE YOUR KNEE WILL SNAP LIKE A TWIG BECAUSE IT'S BROKEN" which loved to happen while i was sitting in classes. i've dislocated my knee quite grusomely before so this particular attack was powerful and took me out of class a lot. i have made quite the fool of myself to every one i love. i guess what was worse was making a fool in front of people i barely knew as i flashbacked blackedout in class and was dragged out screaming incoherently. i guess i'm kinda glad i have no idea what it actually looked like. but people loved to tell me afterward.

ptsd and its related anxiety troubles are fucking whore bitches and there's no way around that fact.

did you drink a lot of caffienne when you were out? that can be a trigger for full scale panic attacks. i know. it sucks. i've been reduced to non caffiennated beverages except for one in the morning, of which i usually drink half. and i love tea so i'm sad. but i do NOT love freaking out so i go without.

it also could have just been residual anxiety from the date. but whatever it was it's not your fault...and you're not alone. and your loved ones will still love you.

[Edited on Sep 21, 2005 7:43PM]

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