sgt_shaw

good luck on the shopping....i know absolutely nothing about photo editors so i'm of no help...

have a good weekend!

Because I am poor and my mom needs me to help her out around the house for a while. So I figure I get to live here for free, I can save up some money, buy a new car, and start my shit over again. Its nice to have the luxury to do that. I'll be sad when its gone.

Anyway, hope you're having a good time in Nevada. Wish I could be out there boarding. Who knows, maybe I'll take a little trip this winter, ha ha.

I over think everything. One of my biggest problems. I should just let shit happen, see where it goes. Heh, it may happen one day.

thinking too much is a common ailment and breeds unhappiness....sigh...

writing can be very healing and help you organize your thoughts...

don't be mad, but could it be you're pushing her away to avoid having to let people in...i'm not saying that you are...i'm just suggesting it's a common pattern

take care of yourself!!

oh dear that sounds terrible...i've been there. i thought my heart stopped beating and my blood stopped flowing before. tons of "i can't breathe my legs are frozen." perhaps the worst was the old "IF YOU MOVE YOUR LEG I PROMISE YOUR KNEE WILL SNAP LIKE A TWIG BECAUSE IT'S BROKEN" which loved to happen while i was sitting in classes. i've dislocated my knee quite grusomely before so this particular attack was powerful and took me out of class a lot. i have made quite the fool of myself to every one i love. i guess what was worse was making a fool in front of people i barely knew as i flashbacked blackedout in class and was dragged out screaming incoherently. i guess i'm kinda glad i have no idea what it actually looked like. but people loved to tell me afterward.

ptsd and its related anxiety troubles are fucking whore bitches and there's no way around that fact.

did you drink a lot of caffienne when you were out? that can be a trigger for full scale panic attacks. i know. it sucks. i've been reduced to non caffiennated beverages except for one in the morning, of which i usually drink half. and i love tea so i'm sad. but i do NOT love freaking out so i go without.

it also could have just been residual anxiety from the date. but whatever it was it's not your fault...and you're not alone. and your loved ones will still love you.

[Edited on Sep 21, 2005 7:43PM]

I need a job, too. But on the plus side, after this job ends, I'll have a lot of free time.

it's not running if you are going toward a great opportunity. try not to sabotage it and see what comes of it. it could be a break in the repetitive cycle.

sometimes cycles like that tend to spiral downward but can be turned to spiral upward and hopefully then stabilize in a good place.

i think once you find a place that's good for you this circle you speak of will end because you won't want something better, you'll have something better. it's just the icky process of finding the niche that works for you.

i say don't give up on it yet.

hanging out with you i would consider good...but it would have to be someplace public and neutral...i fear everyone, even girls...nothing personal just the world is seldom as it seems. no one except family and my bf have seen my apartment...i am a total weirdo.

glad to hear the hospital didn't keep you. i've been there...literally. i have an appointment i'm not looking forward to on thursday and i sure hope it's a good day that day because i'm getting a new doc and they tend to be more likely to lock me up "just as a precaution." i've had years of progress, but even i'll admit i'm not coping well right now. but at least i'm trying...

i'm sure things will work out for you...you have a valid reason for being upset...i'm just afraid of everything over things so long over it's not even funny...

sorry i'm not much of an upper at the moment...i'll work on that...great music choices btw take care of yourself...

wow...sounds like you're in a thoughtful transitional place...

yay for making life an adventure

yeah i occasionally indulge...it's awesome i don't have to smoke it i'm really sensitive (could it be my meds? or am i just lucky?) and i can full on high from people just blowing some smoke in my face. it's super. my guy doesn't even make me pay him for the buzz since he'd be creating the smoke anyway.

are you angry at the girl? did it not work out? i'm kinda lost...i see a lot of rage but its source seems nebulous.

yeah it would appear he is moving away cause this is the opportunity of a lifetime. so i have to be okay with it cause he needs this chance at an artistic career because his straight job is killing him. meanwhile i just found out today that i most likely need to move to dayton to go to grad school for dance costume design...which takes me EVEN FURTHER away from him. he seems to think we can try the long distance thing but i don't know...it would take a lot of trust and i trust him a lot but i don't know if i can trust him to go to his old favorite town and see all his favorite people including exes and people he probably wanted to date before he had to leave under sad circumstances. i mean i will try but he had better not lie to me. if he wants to leave me i'll be sad, if he lies to me for a long time before telling me he's been seeing someone else i will be life alteringly devastated.

it fucking sucks. but i am getting a chance to do my dream job. so in a way i guess at least i have something to comfort me if i lose him.

Don't sweat it. it took them a few weeks to contact me too. If you're worried about it, email Jurgen. He'll tell you what's up.
At least you'll have an answer and not have to wonder.

from your last one, i know what you mean about music...i tended to listen to destructive music and now sometimes when i listen it gets me more down...but other times i love it and it's fine...

are they girl friends or girlfriends? do you want friendship or relationship? you have to examine your motives and feelings...

i hope it works out for the best