okay, so Ive kind of realized that I dont get on here as much as I should. So from here on out, I promise to update once a month. And I promise to be as informative as possible abt the events that have occured in the last month, since this is the only place where I can keep a journal and not really worry about anybody I know in real life(well, with 1 or 2 exceptions) reading it. If you are actually interested in getting to know me, then feel free to read this because it will be my honest to god self, straight from the heart.
It has been crazy times recently. I just moved back to campus 4 weeks ago. And three really life changing things have happened to me.
MY THOUGHTS ON RHICHARD
First of all, a man I knew, worked with, and actually fucking respected(I love everybody, but you gotta earn my respect) killed himself earlier this week.
His name was rhichard, he was the 30 yr old manager of our school newspaper. I cant even begin to tell you why it was that I respected him so much, except this. There are users out there and then then there are givers, and even the givers 90% of them are indian-givers. It takes very little to say fuck the world, I dont like it the way it is . . . it takes a whole hell of lot more to have the balls to say "fuck the world, lets do something about it. And I mean REALLY do something about. Lets not just bitch, but lets learn whats really going on. Not from your momma's blog. But from living the experiences, seeing the problems first hand, and doing your own mother fucking reasearch.
And to then take the next step beyond that . . . to give all your time and energy to everybody else. You are taking a very few people who actually go out and do that. Out of a campus of 14,000. You have LESS then a 100 who actually do jack crap with thier lives. I aint lying, you might think the numbers are more then that. But everybody is so fucking me, me, me. My problems, my opinions, my career. Just take a fucking break and live for a moment and I mean REALLY live.
So needless to say those few of us who actually do shit, we all know each other. And its just one of those things, you can tell if you are one of us by the way we talk . . . or rather dont talk. By the fact that we have our own 10 projects running, but still find the time and energy to go out to each others things. We even have to SCHEDULE IN fun most of the fucking time. So yeah, when I say I respected Rhichard I say it because he was one of US.
And I guess that was part of the problem. He had some other problems too. He was lonely, part of that comes with the job. Because relationships, even friendship cost a shitload of time. I havent had the time to go and get my blown out tire changed, how the hell am I or Rhichard or any of us, going to find the time to try to end our existential loneliness. And by loneliness I mean this. It takes a lot of caring, or a lot of arrogance to be one of US. Because if you dont have your head so far up your ass you cant see the toll all this shit takes on you, or much more preferablly, you begin to get this vision where you realize that everything you do has an effect on everybody else in your life and you start to really care about everyone else, and I mean truly care. Then you will NEVER be able to motivate yourself to do jack shit.
That was made even worse because he was one of mine, he wasnt an actual member of the club; just a behind the scenes supporter(a reporter has to be neutral when dealing with the most controversial club on campus), but he definatly fell under the GLBT bracket so his work-related loneliness was made even worse by that fact. (Do your research, find out what GLBT persons have to go through, I will give you a hint . . . its mostly sociological and psychological in nature, they and we just bitch about the politics of this nation because we hope to change that so that the next generation wont have to go through the problems of coming out, feeling safe, etc. etc.).
I can even remember me and Jeremy(the previous PRIDE club president) talking about our worst fears last year. It was that one of the GLBT youth on this campus, might not have to just face the abysimal drop out rates(1/3 drop permenatly, 1/3 leave for extended period of time because of increased pressures, the other 1/3 just have a whole fucking lot of problems to deal with), the emotional problems, the stress, the relationship problems . . . I wont even go into that particular aspect since its my specialty and this is already a really, really long post.
We feared that one of ours might actually go out and kill themselves . . . at the time we had had two attempted suicides in the last year. Its all hush-hush of course. But that was what really stirred up a lot of the underlying anger.
When you are in a positon where you actually know WHAT is going on, and you are educated enough to know WHY it is going on, it doesnt take a very big spark to start things off.
But anywho, he had to deal with that and some serious medical problems. As well as the fact that most of his friends graduated last semester.
We dont know why he actually did it. Those of us who have been there just know the kind of things he was going through because we have all been there ourselves at one time or another . . . or actually 90% of the time.
He didnt even leave a note. Ive looked into things and found out how it went down that night. He stayed late at the office, like usually(Hell that morning I was up until 8am working on my own shit). After he finished preparing the weeks paper, he then typed up instructions to his successors about how to run the paper, turned on some of his favorite music, responded to his latest e-mails. Mostly responses to meeting and "social"(the fake social game you have to play with people who think they are bigger shit then they are, they normally have just enough power to make your life uncomfortable if you do not play along).
Of course he told them all that he was extremely sorry that he could not make it out this week/end. He then closed the door to the spinnaker office, taped a sign to it that said "do not open. call police." Left a message on the main computer in the office room "sorry guys, I coudnt think of anywhere else." and then he hung himself in his office.
So needless to say we were all broken up about it. Those of us who were actually US. We lost one of our own and there is no way the world can ever pay us back for the kind of injustices it reigns down upon people like US, because if it hadnt been for the world, selfish little people, and shittly little injustices that most people just think are the status quo no one like Richard would ever reach the point where they would hangthemselves in thier own offices because they coudnt take it any more.
Which brings me to my next point . . .
ASSHOLES
His friend went back to work in the same office he had hung himself in almost as soon as the police took the body out, because they decided that he deserved a special edition of the paper, two days later is the Spinnaker pub. date. They got it together, got it printed, and it was beautiful.
His enemies here, they held meetings in thier offices about how this might affect them politically. . . I wont mention any names on that one. But the walls do have ears.
But what really annoyed me was tonight one of the kids in my building I drink with sometimes. He woudnt stop making jokes about what Rhichard did. I was about 10 inches from beating the shit out of him, and he didnt even realize. I told him several times. "Dude, seriously I knew Rhichard Stop. You have no fucking clue."
Yep, as I said some people . . .
SEX
So those last two bits were obviously the bombshells of this week. But, I promised to talk about the things that have happened to me in the last month and I will deliver. I still continue to ponder my sexuality; not my orientation, that part is already settled.
I love doing the shit I do and will NEVER give up what I do as long as I have the breath in me to continue changing the way the world works instead of just complaining about how fucked up the world is . . .
So dont think Im bitching here about how "work eats up all of my time" because if I had another 2 or 20 hours in the day, I know that I would just wind up going out and doing the things I love to do. And I know it has made me into a fucking wonderful person that I couldnt have been without it all.
But yeah late nights, paperwork, only being able to socialize and talk with people who are just a f'ing busy as you are doesnt allow ME to quench the other parts of my soul that need fulfillment. PASSION, LOVE, CONNECTION. Sometimes you just need it up close and personal, especially during those really god awful weeks where everything suddenly turns to shit. Im sorry doing more paperwork just doesnt get me off that way.
Most of the people I know who are as busy as I am, and I dont mean just time-wise because I know "busy" people who do jack shit. What I really mean is emotionally-draining, intellectually-draining, vision-changing, work that goes for the most part unappreciated. Even if you are one of US then all the recognition you give each other is "I need help with this and I saw that last time you did that." You are too busy to really support each other.
But anywho, they get by just barely because most of them are extroverted, public people. I dont mean to make them sound like they are shallow, because most people who are charismatic like this are indeed shallow. But, they are the type who could enter a club(for example) and leave with 20 new friends and a madly obssesed boy(s)/girl(s) trailing after them.
It is definatly a skill that I myself lack. Im good at one-on-one. Im good with myself. Im good with groups of people that I have had time to get comfortable around. But I am not a "playa" in any sense of the word.
What I mean to say is that, I am charismatic, attractive, intuitive and witty . . . but with work, friends, organizations, and school I just dont have the time to make my kind of charm work like I know it could. Give me two nights or a week and I could produce the same results as my friends and co-workers. But I could never pull up my charm so high that I could pull it off in one night.
Yet, that still does not solve the essential problem. Which is that although I get 80% of everything I really care about by living the life I have CHOSEN to live, and could only get 20-30% any other way(obviously not a hard choice), I still need that other 20% to feel connected.
There is no balancing act, nothing to be weighed around. I have just felt inside myself that it is NOT selfish, it is NOT shallow, it is NOT fucking like so many "I just want to get in your pants" jackasses. To realize that you love people, want to be with them, but cant. Furthermore, as one who is used to seeing possibilities, it means no less to me to say that someone is someone I could have loved, then for me to say that it is indeed someone I have loved.
So I have decided this semester that one-night stands are the way to go since I dont have the time or energy for shit else in my life anymore. I wont play mind games, I wont be manipulative, I wont be a horn dog about it. But I am going to learn how to manage. Where will I find people who understand what the hell I have just said? Furthermore, how do I convince them that I really am who I say I am.
Because no matter how I play it through. Me send a stare, a whisper, a message of any sort; in which I try to communicate that I am tired, I find you attractive, would you like to share in the only part of my life I dont generally share with the other 8,000 people I deal with every week? Sounds a lot like "UR hot, wanna fuck?" Not that most players are like that, most are just like . . . all smooth and shit, they want to get in your pants, they know how to get in many pants(not all, congrads to you ladies who are smart enough to avoid any and all forms of THIS jackass.).
Lol, its kind of a slow trap. It isnt me being emo, Im just being loved a lot in my work life and organizational life. But I want someone(s) to share SOMETHING with that I can go, this is clerly not work in way, shape, or form. I need some sort of mental seperation. And physical pleasure as well. And no, not just sex. Sex is actually the most demanding and least rewarding thing out of this list of sort of things I can and want to do. Cuddle buddies, dance partners, make out sessions, one night stands. As I said, Im not insecure, I know who I am and what I want to do. And for me, the only way Ive found I can express my passion and get "recharged" of my humanity itself is just like me, intense. I need to feel another human being in my hands instead of a computer or a pen and paper. I need to feel a connection with someone on a passionate level. I need to feel and be felt; emotionally and physically. I need to know Im alive, and I need to know that there are others out there who feel alive too.
As I said, you start losing your ability to do the shit that is fulfilling after you lose perspective on the fact that it is people you care about in the end. I have been single now for 14 months. No sex, a few make-out sessions(mostly in three relativly short periods of time, with a few really wonderful women I was much regretful about our paths and careers diverging , and a really awesome cuddle buddy.
Well, I am going to close out now, Im about to drop, see you all later.
It has been crazy times recently. I just moved back to campus 4 weeks ago. And three really life changing things have happened to me.
MY THOUGHTS ON RHICHARD
First of all, a man I knew, worked with, and actually fucking respected(I love everybody, but you gotta earn my respect) killed himself earlier this week.
His name was rhichard, he was the 30 yr old manager of our school newspaper. I cant even begin to tell you why it was that I respected him so much, except this. There are users out there and then then there are givers, and even the givers 90% of them are indian-givers. It takes very little to say fuck the world, I dont like it the way it is . . . it takes a whole hell of lot more to have the balls to say "fuck the world, lets do something about it. And I mean REALLY do something about. Lets not just bitch, but lets learn whats really going on. Not from your momma's blog. But from living the experiences, seeing the problems first hand, and doing your own mother fucking reasearch.
And to then take the next step beyond that . . . to give all your time and energy to everybody else. You are taking a very few people who actually go out and do that. Out of a campus of 14,000. You have LESS then a 100 who actually do jack crap with thier lives. I aint lying, you might think the numbers are more then that. But everybody is so fucking me, me, me. My problems, my opinions, my career. Just take a fucking break and live for a moment and I mean REALLY live.
So needless to say those few of us who actually do shit, we all know each other. And its just one of those things, you can tell if you are one of us by the way we talk . . . or rather dont talk. By the fact that we have our own 10 projects running, but still find the time and energy to go out to each others things. We even have to SCHEDULE IN fun most of the fucking time. So yeah, when I say I respected Rhichard I say it because he was one of US.
And I guess that was part of the problem. He had some other problems too. He was lonely, part of that comes with the job. Because relationships, even friendship cost a shitload of time. I havent had the time to go and get my blown out tire changed, how the hell am I or Rhichard or any of us, going to find the time to try to end our existential loneliness. And by loneliness I mean this. It takes a lot of caring, or a lot of arrogance to be one of US. Because if you dont have your head so far up your ass you cant see the toll all this shit takes on you, or much more preferablly, you begin to get this vision where you realize that everything you do has an effect on everybody else in your life and you start to really care about everyone else, and I mean truly care. Then you will NEVER be able to motivate yourself to do jack shit.
That was made even worse because he was one of mine, he wasnt an actual member of the club; just a behind the scenes supporter(a reporter has to be neutral when dealing with the most controversial club on campus), but he definatly fell under the GLBT bracket so his work-related loneliness was made even worse by that fact. (Do your research, find out what GLBT persons have to go through, I will give you a hint . . . its mostly sociological and psychological in nature, they and we just bitch about the politics of this nation because we hope to change that so that the next generation wont have to go through the problems of coming out, feeling safe, etc. etc.).
I can even remember me and Jeremy(the previous PRIDE club president) talking about our worst fears last year. It was that one of the GLBT youth on this campus, might not have to just face the abysimal drop out rates(1/3 drop permenatly, 1/3 leave for extended period of time because of increased pressures, the other 1/3 just have a whole fucking lot of problems to deal with), the emotional problems, the stress, the relationship problems . . . I wont even go into that particular aspect since its my specialty and this is already a really, really long post.
We feared that one of ours might actually go out and kill themselves . . . at the time we had had two attempted suicides in the last year. Its all hush-hush of course. But that was what really stirred up a lot of the underlying anger.
When you are in a positon where you actually know WHAT is going on, and you are educated enough to know WHY it is going on, it doesnt take a very big spark to start things off.
But anywho, he had to deal with that and some serious medical problems. As well as the fact that most of his friends graduated last semester.
We dont know why he actually did it. Those of us who have been there just know the kind of things he was going through because we have all been there ourselves at one time or another . . . or actually 90% of the time.
He didnt even leave a note. Ive looked into things and found out how it went down that night. He stayed late at the office, like usually(Hell that morning I was up until 8am working on my own shit). After he finished preparing the weeks paper, he then typed up instructions to his successors about how to run the paper, turned on some of his favorite music, responded to his latest e-mails. Mostly responses to meeting and "social"(the fake social game you have to play with people who think they are bigger shit then they are, they normally have just enough power to make your life uncomfortable if you do not play along).
Of course he told them all that he was extremely sorry that he could not make it out this week/end. He then closed the door to the spinnaker office, taped a sign to it that said "do not open. call police." Left a message on the main computer in the office room "sorry guys, I coudnt think of anywhere else." and then he hung himself in his office.
So needless to say we were all broken up about it. Those of us who were actually US. We lost one of our own and there is no way the world can ever pay us back for the kind of injustices it reigns down upon people like US, because if it hadnt been for the world, selfish little people, and shittly little injustices that most people just think are the status quo no one like Richard would ever reach the point where they would hangthemselves in thier own offices because they coudnt take it any more.
Which brings me to my next point . . .
ASSHOLES
His friend went back to work in the same office he had hung himself in almost as soon as the police took the body out, because they decided that he deserved a special edition of the paper, two days later is the Spinnaker pub. date. They got it together, got it printed, and it was beautiful.
His enemies here, they held meetings in thier offices about how this might affect them politically. . . I wont mention any names on that one. But the walls do have ears.
But what really annoyed me was tonight one of the kids in my building I drink with sometimes. He woudnt stop making jokes about what Rhichard did. I was about 10 inches from beating the shit out of him, and he didnt even realize. I told him several times. "Dude, seriously I knew Rhichard Stop. You have no fucking clue."
Yep, as I said some people . . .
SEX
So those last two bits were obviously the bombshells of this week. But, I promised to talk about the things that have happened to me in the last month and I will deliver. I still continue to ponder my sexuality; not my orientation, that part is already settled.
I love doing the shit I do and will NEVER give up what I do as long as I have the breath in me to continue changing the way the world works instead of just complaining about how fucked up the world is . . .
So dont think Im bitching here about how "work eats up all of my time" because if I had another 2 or 20 hours in the day, I know that I would just wind up going out and doing the things I love to do. And I know it has made me into a fucking wonderful person that I couldnt have been without it all.
But yeah late nights, paperwork, only being able to socialize and talk with people who are just a f'ing busy as you are doesnt allow ME to quench the other parts of my soul that need fulfillment. PASSION, LOVE, CONNECTION. Sometimes you just need it up close and personal, especially during those really god awful weeks where everything suddenly turns to shit. Im sorry doing more paperwork just doesnt get me off that way.
Most of the people I know who are as busy as I am, and I dont mean just time-wise because I know "busy" people who do jack shit. What I really mean is emotionally-draining, intellectually-draining, vision-changing, work that goes for the most part unappreciated. Even if you are one of US then all the recognition you give each other is "I need help with this and I saw that last time you did that." You are too busy to really support each other.
But anywho, they get by just barely because most of them are extroverted, public people. I dont mean to make them sound like they are shallow, because most people who are charismatic like this are indeed shallow. But, they are the type who could enter a club(for example) and leave with 20 new friends and a madly obssesed boy(s)/girl(s) trailing after them.
It is definatly a skill that I myself lack. Im good at one-on-one. Im good with myself. Im good with groups of people that I have had time to get comfortable around. But I am not a "playa" in any sense of the word.
What I mean to say is that, I am charismatic, attractive, intuitive and witty . . . but with work, friends, organizations, and school I just dont have the time to make my kind of charm work like I know it could. Give me two nights or a week and I could produce the same results as my friends and co-workers. But I could never pull up my charm so high that I could pull it off in one night.
Yet, that still does not solve the essential problem. Which is that although I get 80% of everything I really care about by living the life I have CHOSEN to live, and could only get 20-30% any other way(obviously not a hard choice), I still need that other 20% to feel connected.
There is no balancing act, nothing to be weighed around. I have just felt inside myself that it is NOT selfish, it is NOT shallow, it is NOT fucking like so many "I just want to get in your pants" jackasses. To realize that you love people, want to be with them, but cant. Furthermore, as one who is used to seeing possibilities, it means no less to me to say that someone is someone I could have loved, then for me to say that it is indeed someone I have loved.
So I have decided this semester that one-night stands are the way to go since I dont have the time or energy for shit else in my life anymore. I wont play mind games, I wont be manipulative, I wont be a horn dog about it. But I am going to learn how to manage. Where will I find people who understand what the hell I have just said? Furthermore, how do I convince them that I really am who I say I am.
Because no matter how I play it through. Me send a stare, a whisper, a message of any sort; in which I try to communicate that I am tired, I find you attractive, would you like to share in the only part of my life I dont generally share with the other 8,000 people I deal with every week? Sounds a lot like "UR hot, wanna fuck?" Not that most players are like that, most are just like . . . all smooth and shit, they want to get in your pants, they know how to get in many pants(not all, congrads to you ladies who are smart enough to avoid any and all forms of THIS jackass.).
Lol, its kind of a slow trap. It isnt me being emo, Im just being loved a lot in my work life and organizational life. But I want someone(s) to share SOMETHING with that I can go, this is clerly not work in way, shape, or form. I need some sort of mental seperation. And physical pleasure as well. And no, not just sex. Sex is actually the most demanding and least rewarding thing out of this list of sort of things I can and want to do. Cuddle buddies, dance partners, make out sessions, one night stands. As I said, Im not insecure, I know who I am and what I want to do. And for me, the only way Ive found I can express my passion and get "recharged" of my humanity itself is just like me, intense. I need to feel another human being in my hands instead of a computer or a pen and paper. I need to feel a connection with someone on a passionate level. I need to feel and be felt; emotionally and physically. I need to know Im alive, and I need to know that there are others out there who feel alive too.
As I said, you start losing your ability to do the shit that is fulfilling after you lose perspective on the fact that it is people you care about in the end. I have been single now for 14 months. No sex, a few make-out sessions(mostly in three relativly short periods of time, with a few really wonderful women I was much regretful about our paths and careers diverging , and a really awesome cuddle buddy.
Well, I am going to close out now, Im about to drop, see you all later.
For those of you who do not know, a "gateway" experience means that someone open up to me about something that they have been hidding away from everybody else for fear of judgement, social sanction, or lack of understanding. In our age group it normally is . . . . the big S, suicide. Yeah, 3, thats rights. Rule number two is you take everybody seriouslly, but tonight really scared me because they showed the "courage" script; i.e. they are just working up the courage to do it, the worst kind because they are by far the most likely to do it because, a) they can already ENVISION themselves doing ti, b) they have already lost hope, and well a lot of shit. After you've had like 20 people open up to you about this shit. You learn a lot, a lot.
Well goodnight all. lol, like anybody actually reads my journal.