I'm going to do at least one of my goals, because everything else has been a disaster. Writing a blog about a passage from the GA book is in fact a hypocrisy in terms of me doing it because I do not wish to stop gambling. I'm looking at this goal as an attempt to gather psychological information, rather than trying to stop gambling because this problem has roots in something far greater than making a bet.
On numerous occasions I've found that there's a strong connection between my fears and my resentments. If I secretly fear that I'm inadequate, for example, I'll tend to resent deeply anybody whose actions or words expose my imagined inadequacy. But it's usually too painful to admit that my own fears and doubts about myself are the cause of my resentments. It's a lot easier to pin the blame on someone else's "bad behavior" or "selfish motives"--and use that as justification for my resentments.
Do I realize that by resenting someone, I allow that person to live rent-free in my head?
Today I pray-May God overcome my feelings of inadequacy. May I know that when I consistently regard myself as a notch or two lower than the next person I am not giving due credit to my Creator, who has given each of us a special and worthwhile blend of talents. I am, in fact, grumbling about God's Divine Pan. May I look behind my trash-pile of resentments for my own self-doubt.
You know what's awesome about this book is that it has a different passage for each day of the year (except for leap-years). There will always be an August 9 on the calendar just as there will always be a November 21. There are no Friday's in this book or Sundays. What makes this awesome is that each time you read it, it can have a completely different meaning. This particular passage, I do not remember all too well, but what I do remember is that I think it was around this time when I came across a passage about blaming others and what it means, and it definitely clicked for me and helped immensely. Today when I read this, there's one very GLARING statement here that today (not a year ago or not five years ago) I feel that I do understand and accept and that is "When I consistently regard myself as a notch or two lower than the next person...". The author of this statement definitely knows what they are talking about. This is self-worth, now I know what self-worth is, even though I still may not fully accept that I have the same worth as everyone else. It is a bit frustrating that I do not feel worthy, but also, I'm happy whenever I come across something and am able to recognize "Yep, that's self-worth right there!" I think for now, I should focus on what the word 'inadequate' means and how it relates to me and how to change what it means to me.