So yesterday, I was reading some chapters from a self-esteem workbook, and the second paragraph begins with "In a sense, love is the foundation of the effective stress management because it is the foundation of mental health and self-esteem." Well, that certainly explains a lot of my troubles doesn't it? To me, and I assume most people, love is the "I care about you/something" type feeling that we display to one another or towards other things. Ok, so, is it really that I've learned anything by this...that love is what drives us humans? No, of course not. I've known this or at least told myself this a number of times. But it's that I have realized how little love I get. The immediate thought that popped in my head was that of someone who is employed and is put in a difficult situation, lets say this person is being yelled at by a customer or boss....someone who has a lot of love in their life will probably react in a calm manner or at least afterwards will be more calm that someone who does not have a lot of love in their life. If love is a way of stress management, then yikes, no wonder I've been miserable, but fuck that, who cares because the second thought that popped in my head was, ok, how do I fix this?
The last part of this paragraph states "Recent studies have shown that writing about one's past and present worries, greatly improves the mood and the immune system." What? Really? You know, since March 3, I only have three blog entries. March and April, I did not do any therapy sessions, but even in May, when I was doing therapy, I still did not do any blog entries. I know that I do not have all the knowledge yet needed for me to get to where I want to be, I know that I still have numerous things needed to change in order to get where I need to be, but for sure I know that a huge part of therapy involves discussing the past, which that in itself includes writing stuff down. The whole reason I even want to do a blog is to keep myself organized. I do not write a blog in five minutes, it takes some time for me to do it. Fortunately, this very website autosaves a draft for me so many times I can write something down, and then an hour later, go back to it. This particular piece of literature however, really validated something for me and I fessed up to myself and had a strong genuine desire to actually write a blog. But what really got me motivated was the following statement "Writing about your feelings is a way of loving yourself." Really? Well, I should look at it that way from now on then.
The next part of this chapter deals with the 'inner child' that all of us have. "With time, however, we usually-to one degree or another- separate or split from the inner Child. We understand this process well: Abuse, abandonment, criticism, , and or neglect interact with personal fallibilities and choices. They lead people to conclude that they are defective and flawed as individuals. They don't believe that they make mistakes, but instead that they are a mistake, bad at the core. Thus, the core Inner Child becomes covered, rejected, disowned, split off, or separated. This is the root of self dislike and shame based behaviors that are common to so many stress related dysfunctions." Well, damn, that pretty much says it all right there. I often believe that I am mentally in the same state I was when I was in high school. I cannot logically comprehend how I am not a defect. It doesn't make any sense to me how there is anything good about me. That being said, yea, I have realized good qualities/characteristics that I like about myself, but I haven't done anything good to myself or to anyone else for that matter, how exactly am I supposed to feel better about myself?